Kinsey Confidential

QUESTION: I have never liked or enjoyed using a condom, though I have used them anyway. I have not contracted any STIs (I've been tested). Within the past few years, I've avoided intercourse when I date women because every time I begin to use a condom, I become flaccid and cannot keep an erection, even though I am stimulated and attracted to my partner. It wasn't an issue until recently, as I began dating a girl whom I would like to be in a relationship with. I'm afraid that when we begin having intercourse, I won't be able to perform. I have no problem maintaining an erection when there is no condom present during oral sex with her. I've tried masturbating with condoms on, but the sensation is totally different and my erections are fine then. I was curious to know any tips or hints, also any suggestions for brands of condoms that increase the feeling for men. \nANSWER: Thanks for your question. There are numerous condoms available on the market and as they all have to pass the same FDA-required tests, they are all highly effective at reducing the risk of some sexually transmitted infections and unintended pregnancy. We should note, however, that condoms cannot protect against all STIs as some (such as herpes and HPV, the virus that can cause genital warts and cervical problems for women) are passed from skin to skin. Since condoms cannot cover all of one's skin, it is unclear to what extent they offer protection against those particular infections. In addition, there are no HPV tests available for men. So while it might be the case that you have been tested and "cleared" of STIs that they can test you for (e.g., chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, HI, and perhaps herpes, depending on the test), it is impossible to know whether you are indeed free of HPV (in fact, most adults who have had intercourse have had exposure to HPV). \nIt is worth considering what it is about condom use that you find unpleasant. Are they too tight or too loose? If so, consider TheyFit condoms which come in 55 sizes (www.condomania.com). If you feel an overall lack of sensation, consider a condom that has more room at the nerve-enriched head of the penis, such as Inspiral and Trojan's Twisted Pleasure. \nFor other men, it is not the condom itself that contributes to erection problems but other factors related to condom use. In a study conducted by researchers from The Kinsey Institute, it was found that about one-third of college men had experienced difficulty with their erections during condom use. This might be because of the way that condoms fit or feel, or alcohol use, but it also might be that in taking time out to put on a condom, one feels distracted, less aroused or awkward, and thus the penis softens. Some men find that asking their partner to put the condom on their penis allows them to focus on their arousal (e.g., by looking at, touching or kissing one's partner) and thus maintain their erection. \nAdding a store-bought lubricant to the outside of the condom might help sex to feel more natural (e.g., more slippery), as might the use of polyurethane condoms, which heat better than latex condoms (thus making sex feel more warm). \nSome men feel that having to think about condom use reminds them of things that scare them (like STI and pregnancy risk) and this anxiety contributes to erection loss. Occasionally men remember past experiences when they had difficulty with their erection, and then worry about whether it will happen again. That worry is enough to cause subsequent erection problems, making it a vicious cycle. Learning more about erections and male sexuality (and the myths that make men feel anxious about sex) might be enough to help with these issues. Relevant books include "Male Sexuality: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment" and "The Sexual Male: Problems and Solutions."\nWe encourage you to discuss these issues with your partner so that she can be aware of your hopes for a relationship with her, STI testing and your thoughts on condoms and erections. These conversations can feel awkward at first, but often they help couples sort out important issues and might even bring you closer together (as a bonus, sharing these concerns mgiht even reduce your anxiety about erections enough that it becomes easier to have an erection). Good luck.