It's raining men

It rained Monday. The raindrops themselves were quite ordinary. They were wet and falling from the sky. There was nothing particularly masculine about them. In fact, the raindrops were incredibly asexual, more so than the most asexual things -- even peanut butter, TV stands and Nebraska.\nDisco divas Martha Wash and Izora Armstead had the right idea in 1982 with their chart-topping hit "It's Raining Men." Precipitation should have a sex.\nYes, it was raining Monday. But it wasn't raining men -- and that's a problem.\nI'm not trying to hate on rain. Rain and I go way back. It's fabulous for agriculture and the survival of the human race, but rain needs to know when it's time to get out of the game.\nIt's time to spice up the weather. A dreary, rainy, my-pants-are-all-wet day is depressing. But a happy, cheerful, hey-look-I'm-swimming-in-a-sea-of-men day is great for boosting everyone's morale.\nAs the Weather Girls sang, you can leave your umbrella at home when it's raining men. And there's nothing more stylish than big rubber boots. But the stress of accessorizing goes way down when you substitute men for rain.\nI think rainologists and manologists should explore the environmental advantages of raining men. Perhaps they could enrich the soil or save endangered sea turtles.\nIt's easy to sit around and make demands. Why aren't there more men plummeting to Earth from the clouds? Why isn't someone doing something about this? I can only assume man-rain lobbyists have been urging policymakers to take action on the severe lack of man-rain over the past few decades. But these demands are difficult to meet.\nThe Weather Girls make the process of raining men sound easy. They say Mother Nature can simply cause this weather phenomenon to occur. That's ridiculous. I look to the innovation of science. There must be some way to shoot masculine dry ice into the clouds, generate man-friendly electromagnetic waves or control the weather from space.\nGo, scientists. Win that Nobel Prize.\nThere are a few minor counterarguments that suggest man-rain has a dark side.\nWe could have issues with draught. Focusing on making the clouds rain manly stud muffins en lieu of water might be viewed as a waste of resources. People could get injured (not just the men falling but also people walking on the street below). The fragile ecosystem of the rain forest could be destroyed. \nBut running a simple cost-benefit analysis reveals that those side effects are negligible when compared with the advantages of rainin' men. Hallelujah!\nThe environment and human lives are relatively expendable, but you can't put a price on a veritable ticker-tape parade of the tall, blond, dark and lean, rough and tough, and strong and mean.\nI urge everyone to join in this grassroots campaign so that the next time you're checking your local weather forecast, it says the humidity is rising, the barometer's getting low and the street's the place to go. Because tonight, for the first time, at just about half-past 10, for the first time in history, it's gonna start raining men.