I'll rock your (North) face off

Brrrr. This weekend was cold. So cold, in fact, that I saw girls wearing warm Ugg boots with their miniskirts and belted tanks at every party I went to.\nOh, nevermind, they did that in July. Regardless, it's THO weather. And you know what that means: It's time to break out the padded bras and North Face jackets. \nAccording to The North Face Web site, the brand got its name because "the north face of a mountain is generally the coldest, iciest and most formidable route to climb." It goes on to say the founders thought the name reflected their "mission and dedication to the extreme."\nAs I trek through the Arboretum during the peak of Indiana's notoriously icy autumn weather, my fingers purple from frostbite and my hair quickly evolving into brownish-red icicles, I begin easing in and out of consciousness. My fellow students' corpses are scattered in every direction -- the trek to Briscoe was just too far. I, however, am headed to the health center, where I will get most of my more useless appendages sliced off with a hacksaw and pick up free condoms on the third floor. I will then be able to continue my expedition and, I hope, reach my final destination: the IU Bookstore -- I'm out of Burt's Bees, and my lips are crazy-chapped.\nGood thing I'm wearing a North Face fleece, otherwise the walk to class would be a deathtrap. \n It makes sense, given that IU is the coldest, iciest and most formidable campus on earth.\nWhat? All right, let's face it: I hate The North Face. I hate it more than I hate girls whose names are one letter off from normal names, like "Kirsten" or "Lara." (Why do that to your child? You know she's going to spend 75 percent of her lifetime correcting substitute teachers.) \nBut it's not that I hate The North Face entirely. I just hate that one freakin' coat. You know the one: You've seen it on 27,000 of your closest friends. It's fleece (If cotton is the official "fabric of our lives," then fleece is the official fabric of tools). It's typically gray or black, but some of the more adventurous ladies out there dare to wear it in pink or baby blue. It's kind of like when parents dress up their ugly, androgynous babies in obviously gendered clothes to avoid that awkward "What's this cute little man's name?" "Uhh, it's Jill ..." moment. Ma'am, your baby girl is still fugly in that frilly dress. Ladies, that coat is still ugly despite the advanced technologies of pastel-colored fleece.\nI was thinking that this ugly black/gray/pink/blue compost heap of fleece was all that the company sold. But after browsing the Web site, I now know that The North Face manufactures 112 different coats for men and 110 for women. That's a veritable smorgasbord of warmth. And, get this: They come in other styles and colors. Someone should really spread the word about this. Who wants to start the "For every 1,000 people who buy a nonfleece North Face jacket, I will donate one nickel to Darfur" group on Facebook?\nThere are a lot of coats out there. So why the obsession with this particular brand? Is it because of the one-of-a-kind logo? Or your devotion to extreme sports (like using the elliptical at the SRSC or lifting a 250-pound fatty for a keg stand)? Or because you like wearing the same coat as your little brother, grandmother, barber, mail carrier, hamster and fun-loving youth pastor? \nI know it's warm and all. (I hear the lining's made of kittens and toaster ovens.) But aren't all coats warm? Unless your coat has spaghetti straps and a v-neck, I'm guessing it's going to keep out the cold. Don't blame poor, innocent warmth on your unsightly, conformist coat. \nSo unless I see you scaling the east wall of Ballantine Hall or spelunking in the basement of Memorial Hall, you need to (North) face the facts. Your coat might keep you warm, but you sure don't look hot.