Candid candidate

President Bush came to Sellersburg, Ind., this weekend to campaign on behalf of 9th District Republican candidate Mike Sodrel. As an esteemed member of the press, I attempted in vain to obtain a ticket to this exclusive event. Apparently, Sodrel's people were tipped off that I'm a pinko communist bent on destroying capitalism. Needless to say, I was unable to gain access to what would undoubtedly have been a gymnasium full of people who despise Nancy Pelosi.\nMy hope for the event was that I would get close enough to President Bush or one of his minions to ask a question. But in lieu of that, I've taken the liberty of conducting my own rather fascinating, albeit fake, interview. Oh well, I've never let the truth stop me from totally making things up for my own enjoyment. \nMe: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me, Mr. President.\nBush: No problem. It's so great to be here in India.\nMe: I think you mean Indiana, sir.\nBush: Oh, right. I should have suspected. I thought there would be more people with feathers in their hair, whooping around and shooting arrows. \nMe: I think you're confusing people from India with American Indians.\nBush: Well, that's your opinion. I looked it up on the Internets. You know, the Google is a fun place to go.\nMe: Yes, it certainly is. Let's get down to business. Mike Sodrel is running for re-election in a year that could possibly see the Democrats gain control of the House. Do you think your presence here today will really give Sodrel the edge over Baron Hill?\nBush: Definitely! I've directed the National Security Agency to wiretap every home in the 9th District. People are talking about this race, and they are concerned about the future of our country.\nMe: Pardon me for second guessing you, but isn't that illegal?\nBush: It should be. (Chuckles.) In all seriosity, Scott, desperate times call for desperate measures. This country is at war with an enemy who doesn't even have the courtesy to speak our language. In order to defeat terrorism, we need to listen in on people who speak English. How else are we supposed to get anything done?\nMe: Fair enough. Let's talk about the conflicts in the Middle East. Your administration has decided to back off the "stay the course" mantra concerning the war. Is this a sign that you're beginning to capitulate under public pressure?\nBush: Scott, I don't know the meaning of capitulate. We're not backing down from anything. Our forces will remain deployed until the job is done. We will bring total freedom to North Korea.\nScott: Iraq.\nBush: Whatever.\nScott: How about looking ahead to 2009? What are your plans after leaving office?\nBush: I'll be running for president of the world. \nMe: I don't think that's possible.\nBush: I've directed Congress to pass a law allowing me to do so. \nMe: Thank you for your time, sir.\nBush: God bless America.