Bloomington: Hella poor!

Last Thursday, we reported that Bloomington is the second-most impoverished small city in the country according to the American Community Service census -- a status that gets us hundreds of thousands of dollars in federal funding. Some might claim this money should go to needier communities, but we say "Not so fast!" True, the zero-income status of much of Bloomington's population is irrelevant because so many of us are students supported by our parents. But that doesn't mean we aren't worthy of funding!\nFor instance, based on our unscientific observations, it seems that only one in 23 IU students have enough different-colored pairs of Ugg boots to match their rainbow of North Face jackets. As a result, we impoverished youngsters are forced to go out in public wearing such abominably coordinated ensembles as baby blue boots with baby pink jackets! Where is the justice, we ask, where?!!!\nEven worse, we're resigned to buying cheap drinks while our wealthy counterparts in more financially favored cities routinely imbibe Grey Goose and Absolut. Instead, we are condemned to stand in line at the Kroger cash register, clutching our fake IDs and our cases of off-brand beer, our cheeks burning with shame. \nPoverty affects all the facets of our lives, even our academic performance. It's a well-known fact that it's impossible to do well in a class without top-of-the-line school supplies. However, at IU, far too many of us have resigned ourselves to coming to class with meager Dixon Ticonderoga wooden pencils and plain, lined paper. What about mini staplers? What about mini-staple removers? What about glow-in-the-dark scented pens and other critical office products? There is absolutely no way we'll be able to doodle ... er, take notes ... to the best of our abilities using cheap school supplies. How can we be expected to accomplish visionary works with instruments of such questionable worth? One thing's for sure: If it's five for a dollar, it sure as hell isn't worthy of our scribbles.\nOur unfortunate financial circumstances also manifest themselves in the way we act, the way we think and the quality of spinners that we are able to put on our Beemers. Worst of all, they even alter the way we eat. It's traumatic, to say the very least, to call Pizza Express, wanting -- nay, needing -- 75 Dixie Chicken pizzas and then realize that we can only afford one. Being forced to deny our munchies for lack of green is more than discouraging -- it's degrading.\nAlthough those who live in crime-ridden areas with dilapidated housing traditionally receive government support for petty things like escaping the grinding cycle of poverty, we feel that the government should continue spending its money where it will make a difference -- here on us. We have plenty of good uses for it. In fact, we've been drawing up plans for installing a giant slip n' slide outside the Union, purchasing a decent football team and buying the entire commonwealth of Kentucky.\nAfter all, we can only afford the essentials.