A sincere sorry

Since beginning work as a columnist, I've strived to offend every group possible. While I still have a long way to go, some people have already called me out for my vicious attacks. For example, in my first column, I more or less said Texas sucks and its residents can be found at the bottom of outhouses. Just a joke, of course, but I got a nasty e-mail:\n"Scott -- I'm offended by your words about Texans. I live there one month out of the year (usually August) and find it a wonderful place to avoid my job. My friends from Saudi Arabia enjoy Texas as well. If you don't knock it off, I'm going to send my friend Dick to shoot you in the face with a shotgun. You don't want to mess with Dick." -- G.W.B.\nSo here I stand, faced with the threat of death and, even worse, being condemned to eternal damnation for my insensitive remarks. I have to apologize now, for I can't stand the prospect of spending eternity in hell with Tinky Winky, the gay Teletubby, and Jerry Falwell, the nice Christian who condemns such lifestyles.\nThe first group I wish to apologize to are the members of St. Benedict's Catholic Church. You don't know this, but when I was 5, I urinated on the stairs in the lobby during Mass because I was too scared to go in the dark basement to use the restroom. I hope you can forgive me.\nIn a previous column, I referred to a homecoming dance in high school that I attended with a girl purely out of sympathy. What I didn't tell you was that I rigged the balloting to get her elected homecoming queen and then dumped pig's blood on her when she took the stage to be crowned. She subsequently burned down the school. The incident was made into a book and eventually a movie. I apologize to the American public for causing a crappy movie based on Stephen King's "Carrie" to be produced. \nAnother group that might have felt misrepresented by my words is exotic jungle animals. In a column about stereotypes, I mentioned how I inaccurately thought gay men only wore leather. Clearly, I was wrong. It is not fair to single out the by-product of cows as the only thing being worn. What about leopard skin or, better yet, tiger? Grrrrrr. They too deserve to be worn skin tight and strutted around a dance floor during a drag queen contest. Sorry for my negligence.\nThe last group is members of greek organizations. Damn. I'm out of column space. Guess I'll see you in hell.