Ugly Dutchess

If you're a particularly non-enterprising music consumer, you might not download your music. You might, if you're completely missing the point of Internet access, buy albums in CD form from Amazon.com instead of downloading them from one of a dozen legal or hundred illegal music sharing sites.\nIf so, you'd be able to buy the chick from Black Eyed Peas' new... what's her name, Fergie? Anyway, you'd be able to buy her new album, The Dutchess, at a discount with Justin Timberlake's FutureSex/LoveSounds, thanks to the supposed similarities between the two. Don't be confused or tempted by the deal; Timberlake's mature offering shimmers and shines where Fergie's coughs, chugs and chokes.\nThough she usually rolls with the always annoying Black Eyed Peas, out on her own, Fergie's schtick is no less irritating. At 14 tracks (plus two "bonus" tracks; gee, thanks), Ms. Ferguson is more self-absorbed than a sponge with a picture of Zach Braff glued to it.\nThe Dutchess opens in such fashion, with the regrettable "Fergalicious," terminology that seems to mean nothing except that it rhymes rather nicely with "so delicious" and "my body stay vicious." Ferguson's voice is recycled in post-production, sounding more mechanical and restricted than ever before. Fellow Pea will.i.am shows up here to add nothing but a spelling of S-t-a-c-y, in case any of us forgot who this album was all about.\n"Clumsy" is the album's second offering, and offers little else lyrically.\n"Stumbling, I'm bumbling," Fergie says. Chris Berman-isms aside, Fergs, it's only the second track. There's still time!\nBut, alas, the rest of the sprawling album fails somewhat spectacularly. There's a little early-Spears slowdown here and there ("All I Got," "Big Girls Don't Cry"), a little rap ("Glamorous," featuring Ludacris), and a little straight-up bubble-pop ("Losing My Ground"). The second to last track, "Finally," is the arbiter of true naueseation. Swallow this gem: "I was being a fool/trying always to be cool." Seriously? You just sang that? How did we get here? Instead of paying tribute to pop music's legitimate idols, Fergie hopes to make herself one. "Finally/my destiny can begin," she belts atrociously on "Finally." Wrong, Fergie. No destiny awaits you.\nInstead of stepping aside modern pop legends like N.E.R.D., Kanye West and Timberlake, you lack the vision, respect, and pure talent that makes a disc like FutureSex or Lord Willin' happen. No matter who Amazon attaches your name to, it's going to take more than this paltry garbage to stand your ground.