Sweaty pie

My eyes produce more eye crust than the average person's -- I could bake pies with the amount I pick from my eyes some mornings.\nAlso, I have a condition called "hyperhidrosis," which means I have more than a normal amount of overactive sweat glands under my arms. I have a prescription antiperspirant to counter the moisture.\nSo, that's disgusting. \nI'm sure I've diminished my chances of being pursued by a male, at least in the next several months. Still, I can think of no more effective way to illustrate the concept and the image of the "laminated body" that the media project and that young people buy into every day -- very unfortunately.\nThe laminated body is the guy on GQ who's dapper and looks sharp even with scruffy hair and "vintage" jeans (that we know came from Banana Republic). Or it's the perfectly tanned and clean-cut teen in Venus razor ads promoting the idea that women who use the product will "reveal the goddess" in her. \nPeople with laminated bodies don't poop or sneeze or eat or fart, and they certainly never sweat. They have perfect bodies. Bodies with no attachment to the outside world. Bodies we want. Bodies we can never, ever have.\nI know I'm not the only one who perspires excessively. I've seen plenty a friend -- even female -- with lovely puddles of salt gracing their T-shirts' underarms.\nAnd we're ashamed of it! We're all devastated when we fart among acquaintances around whom we're not ready to express our small intestines' functions. And I pay tens of dollars for my prescription deodorant every year to hide my sweaty pits (which, very unfortunately, I didn't come across until after middle school. Try being 5-foot-8 and 110 pounds with a sweat problem among 12-year-old boys. Talk about intense character building.)\nIn a culture where ladies are supposed to "glisten" and appear shiny and sexy when it happens and where men are supposed to pump iron daily but never look greasy, the accumulation of sweat beads on the upper lip, having excessive hair on limbs, being gassy, carrying booger crumbs that are stuck in our nose hairs and smelling like 10-day-old Pizza Hut after a long run are cause for some major insecurities, despite their prevalence among just about every human being on the planet.\nThe bottom line: We are people. We are not bodies, and we -- both men and women -- will never obtain the ideal body projected to us in magazines and on television. Always remember not to passively consume such media texts. And keep in mind that it's possible that a person's mind, motivation and personality are more important than his or her physical appearance.\nNever mind. That's ridiculous.\nJust remember that you're not the only one with an appalling hygienic disorder -- if you have one. \nBesides, it can make for a neat party trick. Trust me.