Kinsey Confidential

QUESTION: I am a guy who has never learned how to initiate sex in a new relationship. Consequently, most of the relationships in which I have been involved in the past few years have fizzled out into "just friends" friendships, which leave me cold, uninterested, and, above all, inexperienced and dissatisfied. What can I do to learn initiation of sex in new relationships in such a way that both I and my new partner are fine with the escalation? \nANSWER: Learning how to negotiate relationships can be challenging. Many people rely on nonverbal cues (e.g., eye contact, touches on the arm, smiles) to indicate whether someone is romantically or sexually interested and whether it is acceptable (and desired) to initiate shows of affections ranging from kissing to intercourse. \nRelying exclusively on nonverbal communication and on moans, groans and sighs can be exciting at best, but confusing, misleading or even associated with unwanted sexual contact at worst. As a result, many men and women -- often through a process of trial and error -- tend to realize the value of verbal communication. Though it takes courage and involves the risk of rejection, telling someone that you like, care for or feel attracted to them is a good first step to initiating a romantic relationship. Asking someone on a date -- and yes, using the phrase "a date" -- is a solid indication of your intentions for romance rather than friendship. \nOnce you are past the initial shows of affection (holding hands or kissing), it is not only kind and considerate -- but wise -- to make sure that your partner is "fine with the escalation" of sexual behavior, as you put it. Sometimes partners will take turns initiating sexual behaviors and that is often an indication that they are interested in being sexual with you, too. If you have any doubt, ask "is this okay?" or "does this feel good?" or "it's okay if you want to stop, I'll still want to see you again" as you move your hands or lips to different body parts. While some simply progress by touch, others ask before they move forward (e.g. "I would love to have sex with you. What do you think about that?"). It can feel silly to verbalize issues related to sexuality but that's not necessarily because it's not important to do so. Rather, we simply are not often experienced in doing so. The good news is that the more you practice communication skills, the more you will have an opportunity to improve your skills and work toward the kind of relationship you want. \nOf course, not all of your attempts at romance will work out the way that you want them to. Some people will want to be "just friends" with you -- and perhaps some people who would like to be romantic or sexual with you are people who you prefer to be "just friends" with, too. Developing and maintaining friendships with same and opposite sex friends is an important part of adult development. Not only are friends important for social support in times of stress or sadness, but friendships can give us further practice with communication and relationship skills -- not to mention that occasionally friendships do evolve over time into romance (but don't bank on it or pressure a friend to be any more than a friend). \n"Reading The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships" by relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman might provide you with information about communication skills that will be helpful in a variety of relationships in your life. Similarly, some people find it helpful to meet with a counselor or therapist with whom they can talk about their friendships and relationships. By sharing stories and feelings about your relationships, a counselor might be able to give you feedback or help you consider issues related to your relationships and how you can create more satisfying relationships, whether they are romantic or platonic in nature.