Q: I am unsure of what to do when having sex with a virgin. What should I do when she starts to bleed? Should we stop having sex or clean it up and keep going?
A: It's true that sometimes a small amount of bleeding occurs during the first time (or few times) that a woman has intercourse. Usually the bleeding is due to tearing of a woman's hymen (a thin layer of tissue that's rich with blood vessels and covers a portion of the vaginal entrance). While nearly all girls are born with a hymen, the size of the hymen can vary greatly. This -- combined with the fact that some women's hymens are gradually torn over the years due to self-masturbation, tampon use or sexual activities such as fingering -- means that by the time a woman first experiences intercourse, she may notice only small amounts of bleeding, or none at all. Others notice larger amounts of bleeding.\nSome couples continue with sex when bleeding occurs; others are more comfortable stopping and checking things out. Some women experience physical discomfort with early attempts at intercourse; others do not. These are reasons why it's important to continue checking in with each other. You might even choose to have sex on a towel or dark sheets if concerns about bleeding interfere with feeling relaxed and open to pleasure.\nBleeding can also be caused by vaginal tearing, though that's less common among young women. A woman might notice this during sex or afterwards; perhaps even the next day while wiping after using the bathroom. If at any time a woman feels discomfort, pain or has concerns about bleeding, she might consider checking in with her healthcare provider (which is recommended prior to becoming sexually active, anyway). \nThe risk of vaginal tearing may be reduced by using a store-bought lubricant during intercourse. It can be applied to a man's penis (over the condom) and to a woman's vaginal entrance, to make intercourse more comfortable. If you're using latex condoms, make sure you choose a water or silicone based lubricant such as Astroglide, KY Warming Gel, Sensua Organics or Pink.\nLubricants can be incorporated into your sexual play in fun, sexy, pleasurable ways. You can watch each other apply it to your own genitals, or you can take turns and apply it on each other. Safer, more comfortable sex can absolutely be enjoyable.\nRegardless of your partner's level of experience, it can be good to ask each other questions like, Are you comfortable?, Shall we keep going?, Do you want to stop?, or How does this feel? Good communication can help you and your partner decide whether you want to continue sexual activities, try different things, vary your style (e.g. position, rhythm) or stop altogether. \nBefore deciding to be sexual together, people often remember to ask each other important questions about sexually transmitted infections (STI) and condom use. However, they sometimes shy away from asking equally important questions about the emotional side of sex. Letting your partner know how you feel about sharing sexual experiences -- your values, expectations, excitement and concerns -- and asking how he or she feels in return can help deepen your relationship and bring you closer to developing the relationship you desire.
