Welcome to the suck

Kristanna Loken ("Termninator 3") has nice breasts. \nThat is the one and only reason you should go and see the horror/adventure/vampire flick she stars in, "BloodRayne." She pulls them out and bounces around on top of some mulleted vampire hunter for about two minutes. You get to see them. It's kind of nice. But, although they may not be hers, I'm told you can see all sorts of boobies for free on the internet. So that kind of cancels out the film's only draw. Beyond that, I'm at a loss. There's hardly anything to tell you; it's just really, really bad. Really.\nBut okay. Because someone is bound not to listen to me, Loken leads as Rayne. She's a -- what do you call it? -- a dhampir, which means she's half human/half vampire, and I guess totally super strong. She's the daughter of a powerful vampire named Kagan played by Sir Ben Kingsley ("Gandhi"), who raped and killed Rayne's mother. I think the raping resulted in Rayne, but that's not really explained. Either way, she hates him, and the rest of the movie is spent running around some generic European country that's populated by all sorts of folks. \nFolks like vampire killer Michael Madsen ("Kill Bill"), whose excuse for this turd of a performance is probably a massive coke habit the public has yet to hear about; Meat Loaf ("Fight Club"), apparently a vampire pimp who wants to get up on Loken during his ten minutes of screen time before he eats it in a CGI fire; and Billy Zane ("Dead Calm"), whose character is explained as the exiled leader of an anti-vampire hate group called the Brimstone Society. From what I gathered, he's also girl vampire hunter Michelle Rodriguez's father -- but I'm not really sure what that has to do with anything, as he disappears without any explanation about 45 minutes into the movie.\nI'd like to break here to apologize if this seems rambling and incoherent, but that's what I'm going for. "BloodRayne" is very hard to follow, thanks in no small part to some incredibly unnecessary jumps in its internal timeline. I sleepwalked through the second half of the movie, but I did keep thinking how much better it would have been if they had just cut it correctly in the first place. \nBut, alas, they didn't. I'm proud to say that this is the first Uwe Boll-directed movie I've sat through, because untrained monkeys could better handle a camera. I've heard he sucks, and he delivered. "BloodRayne," besides Kristanna Loken's boobs, is horrible. Everyone involved should be ashamed. And if given the choice, I'd rather burn myself with a curling iron than view it again.