Can't buy me love (from a vending machine)

So, we on the editorial board just read that Northwestern University is starting to offer condoms for sale from the residence hall vending machines. Our response is that this plan should be stopped -- it's clearly a sign of moral degradation on Northwestern's campus, and will promote promiscuity and unnatural sexual behavior outside the bounds of God's law.\nGotcha!\nJust kidding -- we think it's brilliant. Why don't we have this at IU? Aren't we supposed to be a trailblazer in this sort of thing? Let's get this straight: we have whole stacks of Victorian porn at the Kinsey Institute -- but no condoms in the vending machines? Shameful, just shameful.\nNot that condoms aren't plentiful around here. You can get free ones from the health center, of course -- and health fairs, student activities and other assorted sources. But the health center's only open from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. (with an hour-and-a-half lunch-break in the middle), and the other give-aways aren't exactly regular occurrences. \nWhat to do, then, if you manage a surprise hook-up at 3 a.m. and find your stash is depleted? Unless you're a) willing to call things off, or b) an irresponsible bastard, you'll have to stumble out into the cold night and race over to the closest 24-hour drug store. And by the time you return, as Pepé Le Pew might say, "ze mood, she is not what she once was." With a vending machine, this tragedy could've been averted. Heck, you could buy condoms without even having to put on pants (this excites the editorial board immensely). And best of all, while there, you could also buy one of those Hostess cupcake two-packs -- and go back looking totally romantic.\nOr what if you're a freshman who knows -- just knows! -- that, despite all logic and argument to the contrary, folks at the health center are going to snicker and tell your mom about you going there for condoms. Never mind that they don't know your mom -- fate will bring them together. Your mom will be looking at jeans and say "why these are a perfect fit for my Suzy!" And the health center person, also looking at jeans, will say "why, I know a Suzy that grabbed a whole handful of condoms." Ahh, but vending machines, on the other hand, never go shopping for jeans!\nYou see, it's not just convenient -- it helps make us all safer. As of last June, the State Board of Health reported that HIV cases were on the rise in Bloomington (IDS, June 30, 2005) -- and God knows what other diseases you people are carrying. It's bad enough that you try to give us the flu every semester during final exams.\nMaking condoms available in the vending machines seems like a no-brainer, then. Only one last issue remains: what do you put them next to for maximum comic effect? Twinkies? Tootsie Rolls? Ho-Hos? Snowballs? Reese's NutRageous bars? Mr. Goodbar? Kit Kat Big Kats? Whoppers?