Where will they be ten years from now?

Before I even begin this, I have a single question for you: what happened to that show "Where Are They Now?" on VH1? You know, the show where they catch up on the recent developments of your favorite auxiliary entertainers. I seriously haven't seen the show on VH1 since I was in junior high, and that's certainly saying something since I'm one super-duper-senior. Now maybe in the last 70080 hours of programming on VH1, I happened to miss a showing of "Where Are They Now?" Be that as it may, I'm just dying to get some updates on the lives of superstars such as Debbie Gibson, New Kids on the Block and the entire cast of "Beverly Hills, 90210." Although I do know Debbie Gibson is now Deborah, and she seems to think her talents transcend simplistic pop music. At least that's what her obviously unbiased official site says (www.deborah-gibson.com). But, alas, I digress. What I really wonder is who will be featured on "Where Are They Now?" in about 10 years, if the show somehow gets miraculously resurrected. Here are some possibilities for you all to consider:\n• The Olsen Twins -- This is an easy target for anyone's predictive satire. I'll give you the next ellipsis to use your own imagination and figure out why they'd be featured on VH1's burn-out show... okay then, was that long enough? I should hope so. Here's my theory of where the Olsen Twins will be ten years from now. As it turns out, the underlying problem all these years for Mary-Kate has been identity. She has never been able to distinguish herself from her twin. Apparently, in seeing "Full House" over and over again, something about there being only one Michelle Tanner being played by "Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen" in the credits never sat well with her. So she'll spend much of her days figuring this out in a psychiatric ward. Ashley will be trying her hand at hip-hop. Oh, and apparently in ten years Lindsay Lohan will become a hip-hop producer, and the only one willing to help Ashley pursue her dream of being Ash-O, the world's weakest rapper. \n• Jay Leno -- So Conan O'Brien will continue making people laugh hysterically now under the moniker of "The Tonight Show." Leno will tune in every night and think "How come this guy can make people laugh without being constantly nice and polite?" And then it will hit him: you don't have to be constantly nice and polite to make people laugh. From there, Leno will jumpstart his old stand-up career. Unfortunately, after 12 years of repression on "The Tonight Show," Leno's mean streaks will explode during his sets. Before long he'll be asking O'Brien for a sidekick position. O'Brien will tell Leno he doesn't need a sidekick. And, like a swift punch to Leno's prominent chin, Conan will bring Andy Richter back. And thus Leno will learn an important lesson: nice guys finish last, especially if they spend 12 years forgetting to release natural mean emotions.\n• Britney Spears -- By this point, Britney has gotten divorced because "it's like Kevin is a money vacuum or something. That, and on those tax file form thingies last year he said his profession was 'Britney's husband.'" You can hear her saying that, can't you? Federline and Spears alike will try desperately to gain custody of their son. The judge's response: "You both just want custody because you know your son is now worth more money than you two will ever be worth! I'll just let Sean's Aunt Madonna take care of him from now on. She's far more responsible, what with the mysticism and such. If you have any problems with this, frankly I don't care. You should have thought about all that before you commodified your own damn son! Idiots!"\n• Kanye West -- He will be the first black president. Yeah, that's right. I don't know how to feel about it. I mean, he'll probably never let us down, always walking with Jesus and such, but there's something inherently misogynistic about his workout plan and his accusations of gold digging. But he's one hell of a businessman, so I'm sure he'll have no problems being president. After all, isn't our current president an MBA? And that guy was actually a sub-par businessman, so surely the successful college drop-out businessman that is Mr. West will do even better! \n• Me -- I will still be living and freezing in Antarctica since, once this article gets published, I will have eloped there. Why? Isn't it obvious? I'm going to run away because people will think I'm serious about this entire article, I'm a horribly hateful person and I hurt small animals. Rest assured, none of this is true, although I must admit I think I stepped on a small rodent the other day. Oops. \nIf you really do want to know who will be featured on "Where Are They Now?" ten years from now, just check out VH1's staple-show "Best Week Ever," in which they recap the outlandish celebrity activities of the past week. Dumb and ridiculous as it may seem, it is still history in the making.