On cell phones and (unnatural) love for cheeseburgers

It finally happened the other day. After days (possibly even a week) of eagle-like observation, I found that my theory was true.\nNote that I am not a scientist, and my "eagle-like observation" basically amounted to me walking to class and occasionally sitting on a campus bench and smoking a cigarette. But still, through my hard work I have found something that will shake the university to its very core: A large portion of the student population has been replaced with marketing robots. Androids. Foul, mechanical things created only to steal our money and pollute our minds with their capitalist gospel.\nNow, before you start laughing and accusing me of ingesting various hallucinogenic drugs, let me explain. On my way to class the other day, I heard a cell phone ring tone. Not just any ring tone, though -- it was the one featured in Boost Mobile commercials. You know, the ones that feature famous rappers and Paris Hilton getting into wacky misadventures with their flashy phones.\nAnyway, I stopped to watch as a girl on the sidewalk reached into her pocket, produced a cell phone and answered it with the three most vile words I've ever heard from a human mouth: "Where you at?"\nIf you did not roll your eyes or possibly gnash your teeth at that as soon as you read it, you are either living under a rock or you are one of the many robot servants roaming the campus. In the latter case, please discontinue reading this article and return to your home base, which has been relocated to the middle of Highway 50. \nI'm sure the rest of you human readers understand the problem here. Corporations have realized that celebrities and large breasts alone do not sell products these days. To combat this, they have turned to linguistics, using common phrases and slang to show how "with it" they are.\nUnfortunately, the average advertising firm understands our lingo about as well as I comprehend how Larry the Cable Guy is popular. The results are sometimes just annoying, but at times they enter the public vernacular, as seen in the example above.\n"But, Evan," you might be saying, "you are incredibly handsome and witty, but I think you're overreacting here. How's a little slang going to hurt anyone?"\nWell, reader, first, let me thank you for the compliment. There is a problem, however, and no amount of buttering me up will change the facts. \nLet's look at a corporation that has been under a lot of scrutiny lately: McDonald's. Apparently the company doesn't just want you to eat their sandwiches, they want you to have sex with them, too.\nDon't believe me? Head over to www.adrants.com, where a quick search will show you exactly what Ronald wants you to do with his Big Macs. Last January the company ran a banner ad on www.espn.com that featured a young, hip-looking model, a picture of a double cheeseburger, and the phrase "I'd hit in" in big white letters across the middle.\nThat's right, "I'd hit it." The phrase is, of course, a common allusion to wanting to have sex with someone, and is generally used by drunken idiots right before they are maced and kicked in the genitals. \nOf course, the outcry didn't last long before the company jerked the ad and started issuing form-letter apologies to everyone who wrote in to complain at, or perhaps mock, them. However, it's still enough to show what a much-used, if a bit coarse, turn of phrase can do when put in the hands of a balding marketing executive.\nWho knows? Maybe there was another reason behind it. Perhaps McDonald's, in their cultural studies, has found a group of people who do, in fact, enjoy copulating with fast food. Maybe there were enough of these people to warrant taking out a banner ad on www.espn.com, which I am assuming is very expensive. Maybe there's a guy out there, right now, screwing a cheeseburger he would have bought at Burger King if not for that advertisement. \nBut probably not. The ad was most likely not a call for cheeseburger-lovers worldwide to meet their brides at McDonald's. Still, be on alert. If you see someone walking around campus kind of strangely and giving a Quarter Pounder "the look," back away, lest you be assimilated into his evil robot corporEAT MCDONALD'S WEAR ABERCROMBIE WHERE YOU AT DAWG END TRANSMISSION.