O'Connor? O'My!

Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's retirement announcement Friday triggers the first high court vacancy in 11 years. She was the first woman appointed to the U.S. Supreme Court, and proved to be the linchpin in a string of major 5-4 decisions involving federalism, abortion and a host of controversial social issues.\nReplacing her will be daunting. The White House might struggle to pick another historic choice to fill her shoes while satisfying the country.\nI have a suggestion: Nominate me.\nBefore you sling mud, let me defend myself. It is true, as my detractors will protest, that I have never presided as a judge outside a few dessert-tasting competitions and technically do not hold a "law degree." But I believe these facts will serve to my advantage, considering the president's low approval of judges. \nThen there is the issue of my age. While there are limitations on the other government branches, if you take a close look at Article III of the Constitution you will notice no limitations on who can become a Supreme Court justice. (See, I'm already interpreting the Constitution. I'm so ready for this job.)\nIf confirmed, I will be the youngest member ever on the Court. Since the average age of the current justices is 71, I believe I will serve as the judicial equivalent of a bar of Lever 2000, bringing a fresh, invigorating feeling to the bench. I will push to open the Court to televised hearings to increase public awareness of our actions, and I will write decisions in clear language, such as, "The majority's opinion sucks. I respectfully dissent."\nConservatives and liberals will no doubt want to know where I stand on today's hot issues. I vow to examine every argument, as O'Connor did, on a case-by-case basis. I have always kept an open mind. Those who know me are aware sometimes I will belabor over a CD for 20 minutes before deciding if I should buy it. What toppings do I want on my pizza? Don't even ask!\nWill I be an activist judge? I will stare down the Senate Judiciary Committee and declare, "That is a meaningless slur concocted for the greedy purpose of political one-upmanship, and I refuse to answer it." Once everyone is done laughing, the tension will be broken and the confirmation hearings can continue.\nMy detractors will undoubtedly accuse me of opportunism. I will not deny the job has perks -- I have 60 years left to serve a lifetime appointment, plus a six-figure annual salary, national stardom and the chance to hire hot law clerks. \nBut what matters most is appointing a levelheaded, pragmatic judge into the world of Washington hardliners. This is the independent spirit O'Connor famously embodied and I would be honored to follow in her footsteps.\nBefore the president considers someone like J. Harvie Wilkinson III, whose name just sounds like it belongs on the Court, he should consider me. Justice Anthony J. Sams has such a nice ring to it.