The master plan

You wouldn't know it from looking at me, but I was once very close to becoming a millionaire. So close, in fact, I already had plans for the fortune when it fell through. I never bought a Powerball ticket or heard from Publisher's Clearing House, but I promise I was as close as any 11-year-old could be to such a prize -- one Big Mac Value Meal away, to be exact.\nMcDonald's Monopoly sweepstakes could be the most effective marketing scheme in fast food history. As if kids needed even more motivation to eat greasy fries and Grade F meat, now all of the sudden they could win ridiculous prizes simply for doing so, or at least their parents could, and they get to play a never ending board game in the process. What was Burger King offering at the time, Aladdin whistles? There's a tough choice. McDonald's is lucky these kids didn't start camping out in the drive-thru.\nJust like the actual game, McDonald's Monopoly comes with a brochure-type board to place the stamps that come with your food and represent properties and once you collect a monopoly, you win some unnecessarily expensive prize. Now the same Happy Meal that came with a plastic elephant from "Operation: Dumbo Drop" could also pay out a new Dodge Viper.\nThe top such prize, $1 million, went to anyone who controlled both Boardwalk and Park Place, the real game's most expensive properties. With Park Place under my control, I was a single property away from that million dollars. Me and every other kid in the western hemisphere, that is. But I had a plan.\nIt was foolproof. You see, my cousin's best friend's uncle's father-in-law knew this guy that had this restaurant in California where this waitress knew this girl who had a crush on the brother of some kid who had Boardwalk. Obviously, I was pretty excited when I found out about that kid and knew it was just a matter of time before the piece made its way through our mutual acquaintances until it reached me.\nUnfortunately, my plan and several thousand other very similar ones you might recall hearing about from the dumbest members of your 6th grade class just didn't pan out the way we thought they would. But don't worry about us, we've all got other backup plans in the works too, as you probably remember hearing about all through high school.\nLike this guy we know whose brother's teacher's mailman's ex-girlfriend is this famous Hollywood actress; we're doing a movie together next summer, might be able to get you a small part. Or if you're into singing, our buddy's dad works for this company with a recording studio. We usually just go to chill with 50 Cent or another of our close rapper friends but I'm sure for us they'd let you try backup on a song, no big deal. And there's this buried treasure we found in our backyard, so we might as well sell that pretty soon too, no reason not to. What, you don't believe us?