The great enemy

There is an epidemic running rampant throughout the world population. The malady sneaks up on its victim with little warning or cause, and there is no definitive cure. The ailment generally has a short life span in the human body but can reside for more than two decades. While present, the condition disrupts respiratory and oral functions and can even be fatal. The pandemic that I speak of is commonly known as "the hiccups."\nCapt. Terrance Wright, a U.S. soldier, recently returned from Iraq, and had a case of the hiccups for weeks before his death in a North Carolina motel, according to The Associated Press. While the autopsy was inconclusive, witnesses said he could not speak a sentence without hiccuping and seemed exhausted. The true tragedy is that Wright, who had seen doctors in Germany and America, could find no help in the medical world for his hiccups, not even something to dull the pain. I fear that we could all end like Wright, hiccuped to death, if our civilization continues knowing so little about this menace.\nLooking at standard cures for the hiccups, it's evident that their developers did not take this enemy seriously. Most of the treatments seem designed for the purpose of entertaining onlookers and "helpers." Drinking water upside-down, a ridiculous position that serves only to drown the affected, is one of the more common "cures." The well-known frightening strategy is well-loved by the unaffected. Wikipedia lists "Covering your ears with your thumbs, closing your nose with your index fingers and drinking a glass of water with your remaining fingers" as a standard remedy. Taking a second to act out this tactic immediately reveals what the designers were thinking when they came up with this countermeasure.\nIU, which prides itself on its life science research, should lead the assault on this vile nemesis. The University gives the Kinsey Institute several hundred thousand dollars each year. While a majority of people have sex, everyone hiccups. I propose that IU fund hiccup research accordingly -- possibly creating a similar institute for the study of all things hiccup. Given how much money the students give to the University through their meal plans, there can be no argument that the University has "free money" to spare. \nFurthermore, the University should mandate a rudimentary hiccuping basics course, designed to educate students about how to deal with the disorder. Surely, this is a fundamental life skill on the same plane as writing, which the University already supports through W131. I'm certain only an eight-week, online course would be necessary, detailing what little scientific knowledge there is about hiccuping. This would include information about the vagus and phrenic nerves, which are stimulated by such activities as eating too fast to lock the breathing muscles into their hiccuping pattern. \nThe course would carry additional information about combating the disorder, such as the "digital rectal massage," cited in the aptly named Annals of Emergency Medicine. Case studies should also play a major part in the class, such as the 40-year-old man referenced in the Canadian Family Physician who could cure his four-day hiccup spree only through ejaculating during sexual intercourse (perhaps another tie to the Kinsey Institute?). With the future findings of IU's hiccup research, this course could expand into a full semester or spawn a pre-med-oriented class.\nIt is my hope that with IU opening the door, we could find ourselves entering a new era of human understanding about one of the banes of our existence. One shining day, we may even see the end of the pain and woe of the hiccups. IU, do not let us down.