Kinsey Confidential

Question:\nI have a problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months. I've never felt so in love in my life. This translates into amazing sex. However, this past weekend, I didn't get off once the whole weekend. I couldn't figure out why and he's upset because he thinks he can't do a good job of pleasing me. Is this just a fluke or is something wrong?\nAnswer:\nIt was probably just a fluke, and there is likely nothing wrong with your body or your ability to have an orgasm. All kinds of things can affect a person's orgasmic response -- including stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, fatigue, feeling sick, prescription or over-the-counter medications, changes in hormones, being afraid a roommate will walk in, or having sex in a room that's too hot or too cold.\nIf you're used to having orgasms pretty regularly, it's possible that when you didn't have that first orgasm that you expected, you then got concerned about having another one or wondered why it didn't happen the first time. That worry or anxiety might have made it harder for you to have orgasms the rest of the weekend. It's also possible that, as loving as your boyfriend might be, his concern about your lack of orgasm might have felt like pressure for you to perform. Often when someone's partner has certain expectations, they can translate into stress or anxiety and again make orgasm more difficult. \nI'm sure most of us can relate to that -- whether it's the pressure to have an orgasm, to enjoy something your partner's doing to you, or to do something sexual when you're not ready for it, pressure can put a damper on things emotionally as well as physically. Try to relax and relieve yourself of any pressure to have an orgasm. Talk with your partner about this too. It's great that he wants you to find sex pleasurable, but it seems like you already do. After all, even without an orgasm you found sex with him to be "amazing", which is a very healthy attitude to take. \nOur culture can be pretty focused on sex and orgasms but in reality, many women and men enjoy relating to their partner in a myriad of ways -- and not all of them are sexual. The journey of becoming more intimate with your partner is full of opportunities to experience far more than several seconds of orgasmic muscular contractions; there are opportunities to experience feelings of elation, love, care, attraction, excitement, pleasure and understanding. If you can remove the pressure to behave a certain way (e.g. to have an orgasm, to like a certain kind of touching, for him to last a certain length of time, even to have sex at all), you might find that your relationship -- and sex, if you choose to go that route -- are better than you ever imagined.\nYou might consider exploring sexual activities that purposely will not result in orgasm -- such as erotic touching, massages, breast touching or just slight genital touching. It might be a fun and exciting way to take your relationship to a new level of sexual exploration, and without any expectations that either of you will have to perform or respond in a particular way. \nThat said, if you continue to feel bothered by issues in your sexual life, consider making an appointment to talk with your healthcare provider or a counselor. Our bodies can be affected by a variety of factors (medical, psychological, lifestyle) and just as it's important to be able to communicate about sexuality with your partner, it's also important to feel comfortable talking to your healthcare provider about your concerns. Check out the KISISS Web site to learn more about relationship communication and negotiation skills, as well as get some tips for Spring Break. Good luck.\nKinsey Confidential is a service of The Kinsey Institute Sexuality Information Service for Students at IU. Visit the Web site at www.indiana.edu/~kisiss