'Constantine' more like 'Crapstantine'

Many comic book geeks have cried foul through the production and subsequent release of "Constantine," an adaptation of the DC/Vertigo title "Hellblazer." I'm only mildly familiar with the book and therefore have no attachment to the source material. Though, after seeing the flick, it's easy to empathize with these folks' consternations.\nIn "Hellblazer," John Constantine is a chain-smoking, blond Brit with a razor-sharp wit. Here he's ... well ... Keanu Reeves. Perhaps Paul Bettany ("Master and Commander") was too busy swatting balls while shooting the ill-advised "Wimbledon" or simply isn't a big enough name to carry a franchise. Either speculation is unfortunate, as the role is tailor-made for Bettany's look, lineage and onscreen persona. Instead we're saddled with Reeves, an actor who plays confusion far better than sarcasm, but at least he smokes. This casting misstep in conjunction with a divergent script from the brain trusts that brought us "Suburban Commando" and "The Glimmer Man" was enough to drive comic creator Alan Moore to have his name stricken from the film's credits. Smart move.\nAs I've already established, Reeves stars as the title character, an exorcist and supernatural detective of sorts. He's asked to assist policewoman Angela Dodson (the lovely yet obviously slumming Rachel Weisz) in figuring out the circumstances surrounding her twin sister's (also Weisz) suicide. In doing so, the two are thrown into the seamy underbelly of Los Angeles (which ironically enough is often thought to be hell on earth) replete with demons, an alcoholic priest, possessions and the like. I'd go into greater detail concerning the story were there more to explain. Sadly, this is about it aside from some mumbo jumbo revolving around the Christ-killing Spear of Destiny. Plot holes are prevalent and characters exist with no real purpose, i.e. Constantine's cabbie sidekick, Chas (Shia LeBeouf), who is neither funny nor looks old enough to drive. \nThat the filmmakers were able to snag the cast they did is impressive, especially considering the material's drabness. Accomplished actors such as Tilda Swinton, Coen brother and Jerry Bruckheimer regular Peter Stormare and Oscar-nominee Djimon Hounsou class this crap up in their respective roles of androgynous archangel Gabriel, Satan and voodoo weirdo Midnite. Sadly, the same cannot be said for the rest of the players. Reeves and Weisz should never work together again; between this and the 1996 clunker "Chain Reaction" bad omens are forming. Bush frontman Gavin Rossdale doesn't fare much better as the evil Balthazar. This dude should stick to doing what makes both he and the masses most happy: boning Gwen Stefani and not making new Bush records.\nThe film's saving grace comes in the form of director Francis Lawrence, a veteran of countless music videos for artists such as the Black Eyed Peas, Justin Timberlake and Aerosmith. Granted, the movie is a mess, but in his hands it's a beautiful one. Interesting camera angles, desaturated colors and varying film speeds lend this dreck a sense of artistry. His visualization of hell is also second to none, though it's eerily similar to images of Judgment Day seen in "Terminator 2." The bottom line is this: Lawrence is a talented bloke who'd benefit from better material. Audiences should say to hell with "Constantine" and await his next picture.