The KISISS Report

Question:\nMy girlfriend and I have been together for two years. During the first year, she regularly had orgasms during intercourse but hasn't since then. She orgasms with oral sex very easily, but never during intercourse. We're happy and in love, so I can't understand why she'd suddenly be unable to climax that way. I figured that she'd eventually be able to again, but it's been so long.\nShe says she doesn't care and that she likes our sex life. I can't understand that, and have tried to talk about it to figure out what I can do. But she's told me each time that it isn't a problem and she doesn't like to talk about it. I've tried lots of different things but so far nothing has worked. Is this common? Any suggestions? What can I/we do so that we can both climax during sex?\nAnswer:\nI can't even begin to tell you how many men we hear from who have similar questions, and who see it as a problem that their girlfriends aren't having orgasms during intercourse. We also receive tons of questions from women who wish their boyfriends would stop focusing on an intercourse-based orgasm and appreciate the fact that they love them, enjoy having sex with them and that they have orgasms some other way (if and when they want to orgasm).\nThe fact is that most women do not have regular orgasms during intercourse. Most women have orgasms from oral sex, self-masturbation, mutual masturbation or the use of vibrators. When it does happen during intercourse, it's usually as a result of clitoral stimulation. \nI'm not sure why your girlfriend stopped having orgasms during intercourse after a year. Maybe she just became more responsive in other ways (like oral sex). There's even an outside chance that she was faking during the first year (unfortunately, MANY women fake for a long time, even if they never admit it). I'm not saying that she faked orgasms during intercourse, I'm just saying it's one of many possible explanations.\nThat's all in the past anyway. If you focus on the present, what you have in front of you is a girlfriend who has been committed to you for two years, and you to her. You're happy with each other and you love each other. You both have orgasms and you are each satisfied with your own orgasms. Can you find a way to not only be satisfied with her oral sex-based orgasms, but to appreciate them? To find her and her sexual response to be something fantastic? \nShe doesn't see this as a problem, so why do you? What would be different, in your opinion, if she could suddenly orgasm from intercourse? Would that make you feel like a better lover, or a more skilled man? If so, are there other ways you can feel good about yourself that don't involve changing her orgasms?\nThat said, I absolutely understand and empathize with your concerns; Our culture places a lot of pressure on guys to be the best lovers on earth, to "give" women orgasms and to know everything about sex. Given all that crazy pressure on guys, it's no wonder we hear from so many men who want to "fix" their girlfriends. They (and you) are doing exactly what our culture tells men they "should" be doing. But that doesn't necessarily make for a good relationship when it comes down to reality. At the end of the day, what you have is an incredible romantic and sexual partner who's asking you to accept her and her sexual response in all their wonder ... and that's a pretty good deal.\nVisit the Kinsey Institute Sexuality Information Service for Students online at www.indiana.edu/~kisiss, where you can ask questions, learn about our dorm sex ed programs or browse the Q&A archive.