The art of giving

All right, women. I'm going to have to ask you to stop reading this column, immediately.\nGone?\nGood.\nOK, guys. I have taken it upon myself to help you out with the selection of holiday gifts this year.\nI would like to start by explaining a little law I created that I like to call the "Theory of Relativity." Fine, I borrowed the name, but stay with me because I promise my theory won't be as complicated as its predecessor. \nThe trick is to buy an appropriate gift for the appropriate person. If you have dated a woman for four years, hopefully by now you know not to simply buy her a card and give her a hug.\nHowever, this rule is even more important in its inverted form. You know that young woman down the hall who you think is cute? Do not, I repeat, do not spend an absurd amount of money on a gift for her. It won't work out, and I'll just have to track you down to give you a huge "I told you so." \nReally, I have better things to do.\nWith that said, we are ready to explore some good and bad gift ideas. One common plan I've heard is a mixed CD, and I must warn you to proceed with caution. While I have been known to "rip some tunes," you must remember that women know it takes a maximum of 10 minutes to get a finished product, and that might reflect on you poorly.\nIf you're looking for something a little bigger than a CD, but nothing that's actually nice, I would suggest a stop at Urban Outfitters. Again, though, as with everything in life, there are hidden dangers involved here, which I feel personally responsible to point out.\nImagine you see a funny shirt for your girlfriend. Good for you! Also, imagine that it plays right into an inside joke. That's even better! Then, in an attempt to buy the right size, you purchase a size larger than she needs because you think to yourself, in typical male form, "It'll shrink."\nYou, sir, have just asked your girlfriend to please break up with you. I mean, if that was the desired effect, more power to you. You definitely made a strong statement; however, chances are you were just trying to be practical.\nNow, let's play this scene out in a different manner. You approach the shirt, and when faced with the "size question," you heed my advice. But then you decide to buy a size smaller so that -- stay with me here -- she'll think that you think she's skinny.\nBad move, my friend. Imagine her trying the shirt on before you guys go your separate ways for break, only to discover she can't slip into it. Bad news.\nSo you may be wondering, "Matt, what am I supposed to do? I mean, this shirt is the coolest!" \nFear not. \nI suggest taking a peek at a similar shirt in her closet for a size, but whatever you do, don't get caught. How would you feel if you caught a woman looking through all your shirts in your closet? It kind of weirds you out, right?\nWell, this should serve as a strong base for your present-giving needs. I have faith in you, guys. You just have to believe in yourselves, and you can pull this off. \nFrom my experience, girls don't expect much from us anyway.