Talk radio fills the void

It's a 45 minute drive from here to my home in Avon. My iPod is out of juice, and I don't have any good CDs on me. So what do I do? Do I turn on the foul, wretched instrument that I call the radio? Or do I proceed to go silent and bore myself to death? Well, I chose the radio, and I am not surprised by the selection of crappy music on every station. I wait for Jimmy Eat World to come on but end up listening to the words, "Your body girl makes the fellas go," over and over again. The only reason I keep listening is I want to find out where this girl's body makes the "fellas" go. \nAfter realizing Jimmy Eat World will probably never come on, I listen to the incredibly dim-witted DJs laughing insanely loud and long about names of private parts and crappy remakes of songs which sucked to begin with. The DJs change one word to make it into something that, in the words of "Spaceballs," "went from suck to blow." I finally said, "Take this radio DJs," and turned it to talk radio. Needless to say, I was surprisingly pleased. It gives me news when I want it, and no bologna, except commercials. Now it's your turn to say, "Don't you fall asleep listening to talk radio?" Yeah, it does make me tired, but I'd rather be tired than angry. \nI like talk radio. It delivers me the news, sports and information that I can spout off at random times to make myself sound smart. Stuff like, "Peyton Manning has a 120 quarterback rating for the season, which, at this rate, could set a record." Take that to the bank. \nAnother great thing about talk radio is that, well, it's better than the news because of the lack of visuals. It helps expand your mind like books. Instead of seeing the crime scene, you get to picture it in your mind. And you can make up cool things, like there being an outline of a clown in the chalk lining, or a dancing leprechaun in handcuffs. \nPlus, you don't have to look at the person delivering the news. The old rule, "Ugly people shouldn't bring bad news to the world" no longer applies. You can imagine you are getting the news from your favorite supermodel with a 40-year-old man's voice. The other downside of regular radio is that news is only good once, but music is good many times. This means that if someone likes a song, they will call up and request it until it's officially declared dead by everyone in America. This was the fate of "Hey Ya" and pretty much every other Outkast song ever produced (need I remind everyone of the "Sorry Ms. Jackson" incident?) I would personally like to apologize for my race ruining the band Outkast by radio play. Andre 3000 rocks, but there's no need for the radio to play the song 50 times per hour. The only way you will be sick of news is if you listen to it all day, and trust me, no one does that, not even me. \nI listen to talk radio usually about three hours a day. This is where my favorite talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, comes in. He never fails to disappoint me because he discusses the news, and the news happens every day. \nOne type of news that I rarely listen to on a national level is sports. I like watching it on TV, but I have trouble listening to it on the radio. First of all, if they are broadcasting a game I never know what the heck is going on because the announcer talks way too stinking fast and says things I don't understand. I can't imagine an awesome play by someone describing it to me; pictures are worth a thousand words, and that announcer can't talk at a thousand words per millisecond. The only downside of watching TV sports is that national executives are forced to mention Tom Brady every five minutes or someone is fired. I hate Tom Brady, so when sports is on, I listen to CDs, because if someone is going to wear out a song, it's going to be me.