More homoerotic than 'Spartacus'

Oliver Stone's overly ambitious and ultimately lacking $150 million take on the life of Alexander the Great has already taken a drubbing via scathing reviews and dismal box office returns. As such, "Alexander," a movie I was once eagerly anticipating, had lost much of its appeal. Entering the theater I was full of skepticism. I'd hoped Stone, a director whose work I generally admire, had been misunderstood. That his latest picture wasn't the epic disaster (pun intended) that everyone's been saying it was. Sadly it is, and happily it isn't. \nThe film is structured around the narration of Ptolemy (Anthony Hopkins), a noted astronomer, mathematician and geographer of his time, who also served under Alexander (Colin Farrell) during the Macedonian King's Eastern conquests. From childhood up until his demise at age 32, we see Alexander through Ptolemy's eyes. This is Stone's first mistake. While Hopkins' incessant oratories are well performed, they seem better suited for DVD commentary or History Channel documentaries. Also, within the realm of cinema, it's a cardinal sin to tell as opposed to show.\nAlexander's childhood was marred by Philip of Macedonia (Val Kilmer), his drunken lout of a father, and Queen Olympias (Angelina Jolie), the harpy sorceress he called "Mom." Dysfunction runs rampant amongst the trio. Philip sees his son as a worthless runt. Olympias coddles the boy, building him up with notions of grandeur and insisting he's actually the son of Zeus. Stone, subtle as he is, makes these oedipal overtones obvious -- culminating in a French kiss between mother and son. To add fuel to the fire, Alexander sees Philip sexually assault Olympias during his earliest formative years. Refuge from his parents' warring ways comes in the form of Hephaistion (Jared Leto), a childhood friend who later becomes the love of Alexander's life. This, in spite of Alexander wedding Roxane (Rosario Dawson), an Asian dancer he marries solely to sire an heir.\nMuch of what's here is good. Kilmer gives a sensational, albeit hammy (think: Christmas dinner), performance as Philip. Why is it that this guy does his best work playing drunks, à la "The Doors" and "Tombstone?" Farrell's turn in the title role is predominantly solid. This, in spite of his bleached blonde mullet and some last minute grandstanding that elicits laughter more than inspiration. The battle scenes (sadly, there's only two of them) are fairly awe-inspiring, especially a last minute one in India replete with elephants. Also, the overarching theme of Alexander forcing his beliefs on other cultures rings truer now more than ever, what with George W. Bush's stranglehold over the Middle East. Lastly, the cinematography of Rodrigo Prieto (best known for his collaborations with choice Mexican director Alejandro González Iñárritu) is vivid -- filled with lush colors and interesting angles.\nNow for the bad, and there's lots of it. Both Jolie and Dawson sound as though they're channeling Natasha Fatale from "Rocky & Bullwinkle." There are only two nice things about either woman's performance: Dawson's bare breasts. Leto, sporting seemingly all of Revlon's eyeliner and mascara, looks like a prettier version of Ozzy Osbourne circa the '80s and is reduced to mooning over and massaging the shoulders of Farrell's King. Homosexuality is danced around in such a roundabout manner that the audience never truly understands the bond between Hephaistion and Alexander. Even as a heterosexual man I'd prefer to see the two men just go at it, as it'd save time and be less laughable. Speaking of laughable, much of the dialogue is the personification of it. Stone rips himself off by riffing on the immortal line from 1983's "Scarface": "The world is yours." The rest of the dialogue is so stunted, so obvious that characters come off as though they're posturing their way into the annuls of history at all times. Other problems include, but aren't limited to: a reference to a metaphorical eagle, Stone soiling the waning moments of the final battle by inanely placing a pink filter over his lens and the ridiculously named Vangelis' obvious, thudding score.\n"Alexander" is one of those rare flicks that can only be made by one of our best filmmakers. It takes a director of Stone's skill to make a movie that's both boldly brilliant and bombastically blah.