The KISISS Report

Question:\nI am a 22-year-old female. I've never had sex with a guy. I've been to a gynecologist three times and just recently started using tampons. Is it possible for me to have broken my hymen and not know it? I've penetrated with fingers, but have never felt any kind of resistance and yet don't think I've gone all the way in. I'm asking because I have a female partner, and I would like her to be able to "take my virginity." We are in a long-distance situation right now and haven't had sex yet, and it's not like I could just be like, "Hey honey, is my hymen still there?" Also, what is the safest way for her to break my hymen if it is still intact? \nAnswer:\nVirginity is a complex thing to think about, mainly because there's no one definition that everyone agrees on. Usually we think of someone being a virgin if they've never "had sex" -- however, what does that really mean? Research has shown, for example, that college students have a wide range of definitions of "having sex." For some people, you're a virgin until you've had penile-vaginal intercourse. But if that's true, does that mean that men who have only had sex with other men are still virgins too? And what about women who have only had sex with women?\nThen there are the self-proclaimed virgins who have never had vaginal or anal intercourse, but they have tons of oral sex. Alternatively, some women who believe that virginity means abstaining from vaginal intercourse choose to have anal intercourse instead. \nThe confusion continues -- some say it's only sex if someone has an orgasm. Others say it's only sex if it was good or lasted a certain amount of time. \nThe point of discussing the complexity of virginity it to illustrate that if you have never had sex before (whatever "sex" means to you), then your female partner can "take your virginity" regardless of whether your hymen is still in tact. Having an intact hymen isn't a sign of virginity even though it used to be considered as such. \nA hymen is a relatively thin layer of blood tissue that partly covers the vaginal opening. How thin or thick it is varies among women, as does how little or how much it covers your vaginal entrance. Since you've had gynecological exams, used tampons and have penetrated your vagina with fingers, it's clearly not covering your vaginal entrance all that much. \nIf you're up for seeing your gynecologist again soon, you could ask her how much of your hymen remains and how thick it appears. But don't be surprised if there is little to no hymen left -- occasionally, girls are born that way. Other times, the hymen tears a little at a time because of various penetrative kinds of things like self-masturbation, mutual masturbation, tampon use and pelvic exams. In other words, you can absolutely "break" your hymen without ever knowing it.\nThere are no real safety issues to be concerned about in regard to breaking your hymen if indeed it's still intact. If you're concerned you might feel some discomfort or pain with penetration, go slowly or add a store-bought lubricant such as Astroglide, Wet or KY Jelly. If you're worried about getting blood on your sheets, buy some darker colored sheets or throw a towel over your bed. That's about all there is to it.\nThe bottom line is that if you want your partner to take your virginity, it doesn't really matter what anyone else's definition of virginity is and it doesn't even matter if your hymen is still there. You're planning to have a new sexual experience with your partner, and you can honor it and make the experience special in any way that makes sense to you. Enjoy yourselves!\nVisit the Kinsey Institute Sexuality Information Service for Students online at www.indiana.edu/~kisiss, where you can ask questions, learn about our dorm sex ed programs or browse the Q&A archive.