The plight of an intramural athlete

The life of an athlete is a lot tougher than I thought it would be. Sure, it has its perks, but being a successful sports icon is no easy task.\nThere's the autograph requests, public appearances, fund-raisers and don't forget the actual sport itself.\nNow at 5-foot-5, 124 pounds, you're probably wondering what sport I'm best suited for. The answer is all of them, courtesy of your local RecSports department and intramural system. But I warn you: It's a tough gig. We intramural stars are still without the benefits awarded to those who get paid to play, and yes, that means our scholarship athletes.\nYou get bruised and battered, scraped and scarred. Professional and collegiate athletes have trainers, top- notch facilities including luxurious whirlpools and professional masseuses.\nIntramural athletes? I have a buddy who gives us medical advice from anecdotes from "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman," and unless I have typhoid or have been bit by a rattler, it's really not much help.\nOur whirlpool? We microwave buckets of water, pour it into a kiddie pool and play rock-paper-scissors to decide who gets to use the straw to provide us with the necessary bubbles. Of course, we can always go to the sauna in the School of Health, Physical Education and Recreation, but for those men who have braved such a jaunt, some things are best left to the imagination.\nAnd my masseuse? She's thousands of miles away studying in Spain, probably falling for a guy named Javier.\nIU's football team, the same one without a winning season in a decade, gets to play on a new, state-of-the-art multimillion dollar turf field.\nWe?\nWe trudge along on what has to be a parking lot disguised with patches of grass, rock and some dirt sprinkled in.\nBut there are benefits to not being a collegiate athlete (on scholarship that is). \nUnlike the athletes -- I pay for to go here -- I can accept endorsement deals, as opposed to the University of Colorado's Jeremy Bloom. I'm sure the Village Deli will drop me a line, asking to use my likeness in its new "Nice Cakes" ad campaign. I'm still holding out for Sara Lee and Betty Crocker, though.\nUnlike scholarship athletes, I am not bound by the 504-page NCAA Division I Rules and Bylaws. I can take that future door stop and set it aflame, much like I did to my sister's Barbie Dream House. Don't pity her, she deserved it when she tore Sergeant Slaughter's right arm off. I can still smell the plastic burning and hear the screams. I digress from my war flashback.\nOf course, some scholarship athletes are forbidden from the local bar scene during their seasons, as I hear is the case for the men's soccer team, but apparently not the case for the football team. Hmmm, maybe there is some sort of correlation with winning and bar-hopping. Again, I digress.\nAs an intramural athlete, my teammates and I can go out to the bars and celebrate a blowout loss without having drunkards telling me to check down to my secondary receivers (I did this last year to a certain Hoosier signal caller, and I thank his unidentified teammate who held him back, more so, my mom thanks you). \nNow, scholarship athletes are not permitted to compete in intramurals, which is lucky for them. I wouldn't want to embrace Bracey when I dunk in his grill. \nIntramurals or scholarships? It's a tough choice, but I guess it boils down to two things: Will I get those "special" tests and how glamorous are these jersey chasers I hear so much about ...