Scorpion mutants inevitable

With scorpions comes venom. And with venom come neurotoxins. And with all of that comes glory.\nLast week Nur Malena Hassan, a Malaysian woman, reclaimed the world record for staying in a locked glass case with 6,000 scorpions for more than 32 days.\nThat is the most valiant testament to the endurance of the human spirit that I have ever heard, or rather, it would be if it didn't sound so much like an episode of "Fear Factor."\nHassan, also known as "The Scorpion Queen," lived in a 12-by-10 foot cage (about the size of my dorm room) where she was able to read and watch TV. Not too shabby digs -- well, except for the scorpions. \nStaying in a refined space filled with thousands of aggressive arachnids is not only dangerous and pointless, it's mainly just creepy. A doctor was kept on hand for the potentially fatal stunt. Hassan had built up a scorpion venom tolerance, but if she were to be stung more than three times in rapid succession, she would pass out. Pining for a world record is one thing. However, there is a term experts use to describe acts involving deadly risk taken for no good reason whatsoever. It's called "stupid."\nBelieve me, I'm the last person who wants to rain on a Malaysian scorpion parade, but where do we draw the line between hero and lunatic?\nWhen I hear about all the different world records out there, I'm filled with a sense of awe, but mostly I just wonder, don't these people have lives? It's amazing to see the kind of records that have been set, including "farthest marshmallow nose blow," "most number of hand amputations from the same arm," and "longest time spent actually watching 'Fear Factor' without stabbing one's eyes out." Obviously, the opportunities for great human achievement are many.\nBut getting chummy with predatory stinging creatures is one of the worst conceivable ideas for an achievement ever. If TV and movies have taught me anything at all, it's that the more times you get stung by something, say a scorpion for instance, the closer you are to becoming a freaky half-scorpion-half-human beast. Before you know it, you're repopulating the world with mutant scorpion babies bent on chaos and destruction. But I digress. \nHassan has been receiving ample publicity and support for her stunt. The record breaking feat was sponsored by a biscuit company. If that's not a brilliant marketing move, I don't know what is. Think of the slogan possibilities. "Gonna be in a tank of scorpions for a while? Grab a biscuit."\nAmidst the publicity, I can't help but feel that the scorpions have been exploited. Shouldn't People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, commonly known as PETA, have something to say to all this world record business? The Scorpion Queen chose to put herself in with her subjects, but the scorpions had no choice in the matter. Who will speak for the disenfranchised scorpions?\nI do feel a little guilty for belittling an act that obviously took a lot of courage, discipline and all of the qualities we tend to admire. I just think those qualities could be put to better use fighting fire, gang busting, saving babies, going to the moon, helping old ladies cross the highway or killing Carrot Top. Let's say you're documented as the brave soul who chilled the longest with a bunch of creepy crawlies. So what? At least "Fear Factor" contestants get money.\nI suppose I shouldn't be criticizing creepy-thing aficionados. I have to summon my best Uma Thurman mentality, "Kill Bill" style, just to get up the nerve to smash a cockroach. But I guess if it weren't for world record seeking whackos risking their lives, the normal people of the world would have nothing to talk about.