Kicked in the Cup

My buddies J.R. and Ike had been reading my columns and decided I needed a break from the grind. They thought my rants about certain players were getting harsher because I need to relax. So they suggested I watch a less intense athletic activity, and it was time for the Ryder Cup. \nWith that we got a case of beer, a few bags of chips, started up the barbecue and readied ourselves for a stress-free weekend. We had no idea what we were in for.\nLet me just start off by saying this was not my idea -- I can't stand golf on television, so three days of these guys walking around was almost unbearable. For those of you who don't know, the Ryder Cup is an event held ever y two years in which the best golfers from the United States are embarrassed by the best golfers from Europe in a team competition. \nIt started badly for the Americans again this year, as the pairing of Phil "Tin Cup" Mickelson and Tiger "Average Golfer" Woods was humiliated by two guys I've never heard of.\nSeriously, it's hard not to root for Phil, I mean he is such a nice guy and he has had to deal with so much over the years, but I can only take so much. I broke my TV's remote and threw so many couch cushions at the screen that my couch is now bare. \nPhil always looks great and then inexplicably hooks a shot 60 yards out of play. J.R. had the best quote of the weekend following a shot by Phil, "Oh that thing is so far to the right Michael Moore is going to make a movie about it." Classic, but I still wasn't calming down.\nTiger isn't free from blame, though. He played horribly, but that has been the norm lately. So I'm starting a movement, and you can follow if you chose. I will no longer call him Tiger: It's Eldrick Woods until he gets back on track and stops embarrassing himself. Since he got engaged to Elin Nordegren, or, as I like to call her, Yoko, Eldrick has played like he doesn't care anymore. In his new video game you can "Tiger Proof" the courses, but honestly it shouldn't be too hard these days.\nThe rest of the American team did just as poorly, treating winning like a warm case of Pabst: They wanted no part of it. \nThe U.S. lost this weekend 18.5-9.5, the largest defeat in Ryder Cup history. To compare, it would be like the IU men's basketball team losing 125-40 -- I think I was at that game last year. It was the seventh loss in 10 years for the Americans, so I guess we should embrace the fact that we are now the Washington Generals of golf.\nSo there I sat with a cold hamburger, a warm beer and stale chips because someone doesn't know how to use a chip-clip. I was frustrated, aggravated and just generally peeved at what I was watching. This was supposed to be my week of relaxation, my week to just hang out and watch something therapeutic, but it was ruined. I was more stressed now than when I started. This plan hadn't worked. What were J.R. and Ike thinking? \nThen they both pointed something out: I could have been watching the IU-Kentucky debacle -- on second thought, I had a great weekend.