Giving films an extreme makeover

I'm about to say something that may seem like blasphemy to all of you movie buffs out there. I don't think all movie remakes are terrible. In fact, I enjoy some more than the originals. Now I know with all of the mobs storming the streets with torches and pitchforks after this summer's remakes, "The Manchurian Candidate" and "The Stepford Wives," it may not be the right time to be talking about remaking more films. But the truth is that Hollywood is going to rehash the same garbage whether we like it or not, so I suggest that they simply adhere to a few guidelines for remaking movies. First, there needs to be a 20-year buffer between the original/last remake and the latest incarnation. I really don't want to see Seann William Scott star in the remake of "Forrest Gump." I'm sorry ... It's too soon. Next, the audiences develop emotional attachments to the original actors playing the roles, so it's hard to break them from that. One solution to this problem is to remake kids' movies. Although most parents scream out in disgust over the remake of "The Parent Trap," the kids don't care. They just don't want to watch any actors sporting platform shoes. One major reason why everyone is so leery of remaking a film is that very few remakes add anything spectacular. But sometimes remakes are better than the original. "The Maltese Falcon," the 1941 Humphrey Bogart classic, was the third film version of the Dashiell Hammett novel. Alfred Hitchcock even remade his own film "The Man Who Knew Too Much," to add Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day. Best Remake:
Ocean's Eleven - If you've ever seen the original Rat Pack film, then you know how much better the 2001 version is. I'll admit that Frank, Dean, Joey and Sammy are the coolest, but they aren't half the actors that Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Matt Damon and Don Cheadle are. This is the perfect example of how you can take a campy flick with potential and add some style to it. Worst remakes:
Psycho -- I still have the utmost respect for director Gus Van Sant, even after the back-to-back pretentious snore-a-thons of "Gerry" and "Elephant," but there was no need for this remake. The creepy shadows in the black and white film is one of the reasons critics praised the original, so colorization wasn't a great addition. Van Sant's vision was to shoot it with the exact same script and the same shot list. Then what was your job as director?! C'mon Gus! Godzilla -- Why does Ferris do this to himself? The only thing worse than a campy, mindless, low-budget movie is an overblown, mindless, big-budget summer blockbuster. Upcoming Remakes:
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory -- At first, I was skeptical about this remake. I mean, who could top the genius of Gene Wilder? But when I heard that Tim Burton was directing and Johnny Depp was starring as Wonka, I leapt with joy. I know many of you doubt this because Burton directed the new "Planet of the Apes," but I contend that the script was to blame there. Burton is mostly a visual director, and I expect for him to create a beautiful world in the new chocolate factory. One downside: there won't be any songs in this one, so don't expect Depp to belt one out as he floats on a chocolate river. Oliver Twist -- This is one of the most overdone films of all time with 15 versions already out according to www.imdb.com. Now Roman Polanski will take a crack at this high school English fave with Ben Kingsley as Fagin. Coming from a director with as much baggage as Polanski, expect this to be the creepiest edition yet. This is a man who had his wife murdered by Charles Manson, fled to Europe amid statutory rape charges and directed "Rosemary's Baby." This film definitely won't be for children. Back to School -- Rodney Dangerfield's collegiate classic will be redone starring Cedric the Entertainer. Cedric's funny, but has enough time really passed? This might be decent, but it won't be nearly as great as the original. Look Who's Coming to Dinner -- This time the tables are turned as Bernie Mac is upset when his daughter brings home a white boy -- Ashton Kutcher. I don't know about the race thing, but I'd be pissed that Punk'd douche bag was boning my flesh and blood. King Kong -- "Lord of the Rings" slob Peter Jackson will add some much needed effects to this old-school classic. I always thought the original needed some Jack Black, and now my prayers have been answered. Other ones not to watch -- Jude Law will step into the shoes of Michael Caine in "Alfie," Adam Sandler, Chris Rock and infamous wifebeater Steve Austin will star in the new "The Longest Yard" and Lindsay Lohan will continue her remake streak with "The Love Bug." These will all disappoint.