Fish -- the other recreational drug

I spent my weekend just like every average college student, trying to figure out if seafood really is the answer to achieving world peace.\nIt all started with something my mom told me. She likes to give me highly interesting media factoids, keeping me updated on important headline news such as a cow having triplets or random scientific "breakthroughs." If you're like me, while you respect science and innovation, you see some scientific studies to be about as necessary as a Spice Girls reunion tour.\nBut recently my mom mentioned something that made me question if my pet goldfish had a higher calling. She told me about new research that showed eating fish decreases hostility.\nFish eaters were said to be 20 percent less hostile than non-fish eaters. Besides wondering how it was possible to quantify hostility, I was 83 percent curious about findings that imply a homicidal maniac could be singing "Kumbaya" and cuddling kittens if he would just eat more salmon. \nI had so many questions. If this is true, shouldn't rioters be treated to a fish dinner along with their tear gas? And why do arguments always break out during the family reunion fish fry? Boxers supposedly eat high protein food such as fish, yet Evander Holyfield is missing part of his ear.\nWhat does fish possess that decreases aggression? Black magic? No, but very close. Fish contains the secret ingredient: docosahexaenoic acid. Try to pronounce that. I will be referring to it as DHA because that's what the scientists do, probably because they can't pronounce it either. In the health world, DHA is like ambrosia or the best thing since penicillin. It's a kind of Omega-3 polyunsaturated fatty acid, a vital component of brain tissue. I checked, and we do not have a chapter of Omega-3 here at IU, though I could've sworn I walked past it on Third street.\nI discovered approximately a zillion different studies on DHA and its health benefits. Low DHA levels have been linked to heart disease, depression and even low IQ. Studies on how DHA decreases hostility have been performed on children, prison inmates and elderly Thai subjects. Perhaps scientists were trying to develop a fish-based, angry-elderly-Thai-person repellent. But why?\nI also found a study claiming DHA increases serotonin and dopamine levels in rats. Low levels of serotonin in the brain are linked to depression, suicide and violence. You know what else increases serotonin and dopamine levels in the brain? Drugs. So basically, I'm concluding that fish makes you high. The fact that rats are now dancing around in their cages with glow sticks and bad techno music is more than just a breakthrough.\nAmidst the overwhelming plethora of DHA studies, it was nearly impossible to find any conclusive results that could be related to everyday life. As I continued to research, words were getting increasingly longer until I stopped comprehending completely. There comes a point where the dictionary can no longer save you. I've found that in times of extreme science, the dictionary just looks over at you and says, "You're on your own." I suppose when your dictionary starts talking it's time to give up.\nIt is frustrating that the only people out there who can refute scientific findings are those who have actually studied science extensively. What that means for the rest of us, especially the journalists, is that we have to take a little less advice from Tom Smykowski of the movie "Office Space". I promise you, my "Jump to Conclusions" mat is going in the garbage.