Smackin' down the zealots

Working at a Jewish newspaper this summer got me thinking about different religions. And I think when my co-workers called me a small-nosed money-spending bastard, I realized we all take our religious differences too seriously.\nI understand this is a sensitive issue.\nTrue religious discrimination is despicable behavior of the worst kind. Last spring a Jewish student's Jeep was spray-painted with a red swastika (forget that the perp was too moronic to even draw the swastika correctly). That was a truly disgusting act that should not be tolerated here or anywhere else.\nBut let's dissect some of the trivialities of different popular religions.\nFirst off, let me express my fondness for Islam. The perks of this religion are immediately evident, namely, you are greeted by 72 virgins when you die. You could make the argument that this is a sexist policy, since there are no male virgins in heaven, but that's another battle for another columnist. 'Article 72V,' as I like to call it, is one of the greatest advertising ploys in the history of human theology.\nCatholics of course are more prudent in this area. Certain acts that are considered necessary by 12- and 13-year-old boys are stricken down as sins by the Catholic hierarchy. If the Catholic church was the last word, certain products in the medicine cabinet would not exist, namely those crusty yellow tubs of Vaseline. But the Pope's clan has its own advantages: an unadulterated love of gambling and alcohol. \nLet's knock out gambling in one fell swoop: bingo fundraisers. OK. Now alcohol.\nThe pinnacle of Catholic education lies in South Bend, at the University of Notre Dame. What's the mascot of that most prestigious of all Catholic colleges? It's a drunken Irishman who wants to kick your ass. Allah forbids drinking, but the pope is doing keg stands at the Vatican as we speak.\nOther sects of Christianity have their own built-in perks. Southern Baptists learn how to dance, members of the Pentecostal church speak in tongues and Jehovah's Witnesses have extremely strong knuckles. Christian Scientists don't need health insurance and "Jews for Jesus" have all the bases covered. These people are their title. They're Jews who believe Jesus is the Savior.\nBut without a doubt, the most advantageous of all circular theological logic is the Calvinists' predestination. This is what I refer to as the "You're screwed, but in a good way" rule, or GoodScrew for short. \nBelievers of this religious doctrine think God has already decided who's going to heaven and who is not. If you're on the list and you rape, say, 72 virgins, it's cool. Heaven's bouncer is your buddy. If you're not on the list and you save a sinking ship filled with children, sucks for you. You're going to hell. The wonder of GoodScrew is that you never have to worry about apologizing for the awful things you've done in your life, and no amount of prayer will help. That frees up plenty of time to get screwed, but in a good way.\nWe're all people, and we have different beliefs, but usually because that's what our parents told us to believe, because that's what their parents told them to believe. So cool the fervor. It's not that we don't know who's right, it's that none of us are right. That's why we have beliefs.\nP.S. -- My co-workers did not call me a small-nosed money-spending bastard. But if they did, that would have been hilarious.