The Rules: how to watch a movie

Before entering the rather menial, low-paying field of professional writing, I worked in the rather menial, low-paying field of movie theaters. It was a memorable experience, not one I'm particularly anxious to forget -- three years of free movies, sometimes previewed two nights before they opened; all the stolen popcorn I could shove my down my gullet; unofficial contests for the title of weirdest employee; my boss' old stories that were still pleasing the third or fourth time he told them. And it taught me one of the most valuable lessons I've ever learned: how to properly watch a movie.\nI love movies. I love the thrill that zings through my body when the lights begin to dim. I love the action sequences, the suspense, the sex appeal, the laughs, the tears and the mysticism surrounding movies. I love going to the movies for a date. There is almost nothing I actually dislike about the whole movie-watching experience -- except for one small thing: people that don't know how to watch a movie.\nLike there is with nearly everything, there's a right way and a wrong way to watch a movie. Here are The Rules, designed to help you get by.\n• Nobody wants your baby or child to come to an R-rated movie with you. And judging from its crying and its fussing, it doesn't want to be there either. Instead of buying a large popcorn and two large sodas, why not hire a babysitter for a couple hours?\n• Addendum: The late show of an animated or children's movie is reserved exclusively for adults who want to watch an animated or children's movie without children.\n• Sick people, i.e. people who need to clear their throat loudly or cough every few minutes, should go to the doctor's office, not to a movie. The film will be still playing in a few days.\n• You may not talk about anything during the actual movie. Nobody wants to hear your best "Mystery Science Theater 3000" one-liner. (For practicality purposes, we have exempted actual whispers. We have also exempted legitimately horrible movies; you are allowed to mock a horrible movie, but ease into it and see if the people around you are receptive.)\n• You should keep the conversation during the previews reserved to small, simple things which pertain directly to the previews, such as, "I'd like to see that," "That looks good," "I bet that will be a piece of crap" or "Halle Barry has an Oscar, why in the hell is she doing 'Catwoman'?" Do not talk about personal things like your marriage, your children or your recent surgeries during the previews. \n• You may talk all you'd like during the commercials.\n• Because it's the 21st century, the movie theater is actually nice enough to print, publish and post the time the movie starts. This is why everyone else is already in the theater when you arrive late.\n• The movie theater is kind enough to provide special seats for people who insist on refills, who have weak or small bladders which require frequent use of the restroom or who can't last two hours without smoking a cigarette. These seats are called "the aisles."\n• Laugh as much as you want during a comedy. Try to stifle your laughter for a drama -- but if you can't, it's okay. We know some dramas suck.\n• There comes a time when you have to stop shaking your popcorn, rattling candy boxes and slurping the last one-eighth of an ounce of soda out of your cup. That time is your ninth birthday.\n• Popcorn bags, empty candy boxes and finished cups of soda are to go in the trash can. No one expects you to pick up every kernel of popcorn you drop, but, seriously: this cuts down on the time ushers must spend to clean the theater, and conversely cuts down on the time some of us have to wait in the lobby for the theater to be cleaned if the film is popular.\n• Please consider the number of people in the theater before you make out. If you exercise bad judgment and we find your make-out session more interesting than the movie, that's simply not our fault.\n• For God's sake, turn off your cell phone, your pager and/or your personal digital assistant, you pretentious freak. \n• Nobody thinks two men sitting -- just sitting -- next to each other are gay. However, we do think that two men who make a conscious effort to sit with one seat between them are trying to avoid that appearance, and therefore we simply must assume that they are trying to hide something. \n• There are three times and three times only when you are allowed to applaud at the end of a movie: 1) you may applaud at a film festival; 2) you may applaud at a movie's premiere; or 3) you may applaud if the director is in the theater with you. Otherwise, it's not a play. Nobody cares.\n• Please don't block the aisles, the doorways or the lobby after the movie is over if you and your friends absolutely must act out your own version of "Ebert & Roeper." Take it to the parking lot if you can't wait three minutes to talk about the movie.\n• The aforementioned Rules are generally null and void at second-run dollar theaters or drive-ins, but are subject to audience approval.\n• Any further complaints and grievances which may become amendments to The Rules are subject to two-thirds of the audience's approval.