Summer bombast needs silver bullet

Remember that scene in "American Wedding" where Stifler (Seann William Scott) accidentally feeds Michelle's (Alyson Hannigan) wedding ring to a dog, and retrieves it via the magic of ex-lax? Well, watching "Van Helsing" is sort of akin to that. Only there's no diamond to be found -- perhaps a few peanuts and the cereal box toy your dog ate the previous morning. Either way, you're rooting through shit and reaping few benefits.\nHugh Jackman (lacking the bad-ass magnetism he displayed as Wolverine in the "X-Men" flicks -- then again, he's wearing a silly-looking pimp's hat) stars as the titular character, a pallid mish-mash of Bram Stoker's Abraham Van Helsing, Indiana Jones and James Bond. Van Helsing is a hired gun for the Church, who's built up quite the reputation for dispatching all things demonic. His latest assignment consists of traveling to Transylvania to terminate the dreaded Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh, so hammily good as The Duke in "Moulin Rouge," and yet so hammily bad here). He must do so in order to lift a curse upon the Valerious clan, whose sole heir, Anna (a pouty Kate Beckinsale), is in the midst of battling Dracula herself. Shock of shocks, she's resistant to his aid and the two bicker flirtatiously throughout. \nAlso along for the ride are: Carl (David Wenham, best known for playing Faramir in "The Lord of the Rings" films), a vice-riddled friar who plays Q to Van Helsing's Bond, Frankenstein (a good but all together too talky Shuler Hensley), the Wolf Man (Gap pretty boy Will Kemp), Igor (a deliciously depraved Kevin J. O'Connor) and Drac's bevy of brides (Elena Ayana, Silvia Colloca and underused superhottie, Josie Maran). Most of these folks (excepting Wenham, Hensley and O'Connor) are jettisoned by writer/director Stephen Sommers' ("The Mummy") insipid script and bloated direction.\nWhile disappointing, "Van Helsing" isn't without its strong suits. Two introductory sequences, one of which hearkens back to James Whale's classic "Frankenstein" adaptation and another depicting a bell tower brawl between Van Helsing and Mr. Hyde (voiced by "Harry Potter" expat Robbie Coltrane), hint at what could've easily been a much better movie. Intermittent action sequences involving the brides' attack on a village (think the flying monkeys of "The Wizard of Oz" by way of the Playboy Mansion with the aesthetics of a Marilyn Manson video thrown in for good measure) and a stake-primed exploding carriage elevate the proceedings slightly. Also, Van Helsing's gas-powered, automatic crossbow, while conceptually inconceivable, is admittedly cool. Lastly, Alan Silvestri's gnarly, guitar-driven score, while reminiscent of his work from "Predator," rocks.\n"Van Helsing" is a rousing roller coaster ride of a film. Sadly, most will be lost, as seat belts, much like logic and substance, weren't included.