Cakes' last crumbs

Isat down at the computer and began to write a sub-par column about how no one is watching the NBA or the NHL playoffs. Then it dawned on me that this is my final column of the semester and might be the last "Cakes' Takes" in history. \nSo, I give you permission to get the scissors, cut out my column and frame it -- a "Cakes' Takes" for a rainy day.\nI can't thank all y'all enough for reading the columns. There's nothing like getting noticed by drunken sports fans when you go out to the bars.\n"Hey, you're that Muffins kid!"\n"No, it's Cakes," I respond.\n"Oh yeah. I read your column all the time, real funny stuff, you should be on 'Around the Horn.'"\nIt's great to be recognized as something other than Rick Moranis' long-lost love child. While "Honey I Shrunk the Kids" and "Little Giants" are guaranteed a spot on the AFI's next list of the 100 greatest films, I must admit once and for all I am not now, nor was I ever, related to Rick Moranis. \nBut the nickname "The Gatekeeper" still never gets old.\nAs a young child, I would listen to my sister's Richard Marx tapes and dream of days when I could be as famous as the mullet-haired crooner who brought us such great hits as "Now and Forever," "Endless Summer Nights" and "Hold on to the Nights." \nNow, 20 columns later, I know the great pains Richard went through being an enormously popular celebrity. \nThe phone calls, the e-mails and anonymous love letters are all very flattering, but do I deserve such adoration? \nOne girl, at least I hope it was a girl, sent me a package for Valentine's Day with an assortment of cakes and a note attached reading, "I've got something you can take," signed, your No. 1 fan.\nThey tell me the Cakes Fan Club has 86 members and has printed T-shirts with my unfortunate looking mug dead center. Imagine walking to class and seeing your face on a T-shirt. It's wild. All this over a college sports columnist? \nLife as a celebrity has been fantastic. I always get the best table at Dagwoods, and crazy drunk women are always clamoring for me to take them home with me. It's a tough life, and to be honest, I'm going to miss it. \nIt was tough for me to tell President Herbert I would be unable to speak at graduation and that I was honored by his wish to re-name the McNutt dorm 'The Bakery' in my honor, but I don't want a big fuss. A life-sized statue in the Chi Omega sorority house will work for me. \nI can't believe I won't be able to write about the Indiana Pacers' first NBA title, the Cubs' first World Series title since the invention of flight, the summer Olympics no one cares about or, more importantly, my intramural sports prowess. \nI've taken you into the shower with me (Jan. 29), on a road trip (March 3) and to a Sweet Sixteen birthday bash (March 25), and I'm sorry to say our little romp together through the flowery meadow has come to a close. \nWill you miss me? Will you miss rushing to the newsstand to see what Cakes is up to this week? \nYou grab a paper, flip straight to the sports page for the sole purpose of having my seemingly forced smile greet you and wonder to yourself.\n"Who the hell is Cakes"