This Saturday is Valentine's Day. \nA day you find that special someone and profess your love.\nBut more importantly, it's a day your significant other opens that precious card with the poem you didn't write and the picture you didn't paint but that you John Hancock-ed with all your love. \nSpeak for yourself, but for me, nothing beats a heart-warmer from Hallmark.\nAnd nothing is more heart-lifting than an unexpected card. A rare event indeed, but one that can truly lift one's spirits from the gutters of love.\nUnfortunately, not all can even share in the suspense of receiving a V-Day card from that special someone. \nAnd here are a few that I can assure you will not wind up in the mailbox.
Dear Chancellor Smith,\nI would like to apologize for my actions at the salad bar last week. Frankly, I get a little cranky when my croutons are soft, but that is no excuse to blame you for trying to get my ass fired ever since I arrived in lovely Lubbock. Besides, I don't even eat salad. Honestly, I think it's for little frickin' scrawny pieces of crap that I would bury in the dirt if given the chance!\nI hope this day is as special for you as it is for me. \nAgain, I apologize for the cursing, but honestly, what are you going to do? Fake suspend me again and then realize I'm way too valuable. Once again, have a warm one today.\nYour damn coach,\nThe General
Dear Roger Clemens,\nI want to take this special day to thank you for your time here as a Yankee. Win, lose, it doesn't matter. I've only ever cared about my players. I cried the day you left and didn't stop until the day I bought Gary Sheffield, Javier Vazquez and Kevin Brown. \nBut seriously, I hope you fry to hell in Houston and also hope you end your career hearing these two words: Tommy John. \nGood luck pitching at the Juice Box and remember: once a Yankee and then an Astro, always a douche-bag. \nOh, and send my regards to Andy. You two aren't even the best 1-2 punch in the division you slime balls. \nRemember Roger, this year's World Series is ON Fox.\nWith all my love,\nThe Boss
Dear Destiny, the Stripper,\nOn behalf of all the St. John's walk-on players, we'd like to thank you for -- well -- simply doing your job. If not for you, us nobodies would not be playing in the 'Mecca' of basketball stadiums. Yea, we're 0-9 in conference, but thanks to your little after-party, we get to actually see the court for the first time.\nTruthfully, all of us would like you to be our valentine. But the love stops in this card, for well, thanks to your tricks, we barely have enough eligible players left. \nSo, on behalf of the entire Red Storm walk-on crew, have a wonderful Valentine's day. And hey, if this is going to become some sort of a campus tour thing, Syracuse is just upstate.\nLove (but not in that kind of way),\nThe remaining Red Storm
Dear Coach Andy Reid,\nEven though you kicked me off the Pro Bowl team for not showing up to practices and team meetings, I would still like to wish you the happiest of Valentine's Days. \nBut did you really have to kick me off the entire island and send me home to watch the game? I know the Pro Bowl is why I'm there, but I could have been able to keep myself busy in Hawaii. Besides, I won a ring just two years ago.\nOh, wait a minute. I get it. That's right. We beat your sorry asses to get to the big dance. Say, are you still trying to make the Super Bowl? \nCheer up, you overweight tub. As they say, third time's a charm.\nHaha. Well, maybe four for you.\nMy love,\nSimeon Rice
Hope your Valentine's Day is as special for you as it won't be for them.
