Stripping down soccer

Who wears short shorts? \nWell, the U.S. women's soccer team might. Fédération Internationale de Football Association President Sepp Blatter recently suggested women show more skin on the field to increase the popularity of women's soccer and draw more viewers. \nHow archaic and outdated. Does Blatter really think taking a few inches off those Adidas shorts will make a difference? Nowadays, it takes more than a little leg and some Lycra to attract viewers. Countless successful shows, "The Bachelor"/ "Bachelorette," "Real World" and "Road Rules" routinely feature twenty-somethings half (or fully) naked and engaged in sexual activity of some sort. Which means it's going to take a lot more than women chasing a ball around in short shorts to make an impact on today's viewers.\n Luckily, we here at the IDS have some suggestions.\n First, forget the shorts. String bikinis will be the new uniform. \n Second, the whole turf field thing is lame and overdone. There needs to be a change in venue. We suggest a Jell-O pit -- instant advertising. If the Jell-O people aren't on board, it will be the "Knox gelatin" pit. \nAging coaches in polos and khakis are a major buzzkill. Replace them with Victoria's Secret models (more advertising!) and Playboy bunnies. \nPossible episode, err match: Mia Hamm slide tackles Norwegian player Lise Klaveness and things start getting a little rowdy. Brandi Chastain joins in the fun, and it's three-way Jell-O wrestling. Oh, no! Coaches Jenna Jameson and Heidi Klum are covered in Jell-O. Shirtless firefighters to the rescue (female demographic secured). After the firefighters hose down the coaches, everyone piles into the hot tub on the sidelines while Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corolla give the play-by-play.\nIt may seem doubtful that professional female athletes would participate in such an event, but we have their word on it. The Seattle Times quotes U.S. team co-captain Julie Foudy saying "We'll start wearing tighter shorts when he (Blatter) starts doing press conferences in his bathing suit."\nTo some, featuring a middle-aged, overweight Swiss man in swimming trunks could seem like a risk. But Blatter is just a busy family man who doesn't have time for a healthy lifestyle, much like our friend Jared Fogle before he found Subway. Advertising jackpot: put Blatter on the Subway diet. He wears a bathing suit at weekly press conferences so viewers can see the results for themselves. What we have is a recipe for ratings magic. Ka-ching!\nBlatter needs to remember his priorities. He doesn't care about promoting support for the women's game. He cares about finding a quick fix -- higher ratings equals more advertisers, which equals more money. \nOur advice? Forget soccer. Sepp, it's not important to you anyway. You were on the right track with skimpier outfits -- don't hold back. Throw in bikinis, models, even mud wrestling. The only thing that will burn up faster than the Nielsen ratings will be your credibility, if you have any left.