Grocery Conspiracy 101

When the trend of distributing customer loyalty cards became popular among grocery and other retail stores, just a few short years ago, some of The People started getting a little perturbed with The Man. \n"Heck, why not let them install a camera in your shower?" cried a watchdog at Consumers Against Supermarket Privacy Invasion and Numbering (www.nocards.org) to those who thought their Fresh Idea histories were no big deal. \nEven (everybody's friends at) FOX News reported last year Uncle Sam was watching who spent what, as according to one privacy expert, "at least one national grocery chain voluntarily handed over to the government records from its customer loyalty card database in the wake of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks." (Aug. 1 2002, foxnews.com)\nWe were crying "conspiracy." We saw dastardly deeds disguised as super savings. We saw tracking and recording, and we screamed "violation." We saw the tomato on a Kroger Plus card, and we declared it rotten.\nBut now that we've had a little time to let these devilish cards do their sinister work, I think it's pretty clear what we're dealing with. It's definitely not a network of sensitive information. \nGrocery stores: If this is conspiracy, you suck at it. \nIf you were watching my every whim, you certainly wouldn't have given me that coupon for those strange opalescent tampons made of space-age comfort material right after I bought the most innocuous kind. You should know by now I fear anything that isn't ordinary plastic. \nThat is, unless, we're speaking of grocery bags. In that case I prefer paper. But you haven't caught on to that either, have you? The special investigation units you have stationed at the end of the lane still have to ask me how I want my groceries bagged. I thought we would have reached that mutual understanding by now. I like to use the paper bags for my recycling. \nKroger, Marsh (and for the one time I shopped in San Diego) Ralph's -- If you want to function as an underhanded league, you're going to have to try harder. Sophisticated plots aren't something you can throw together in a pinch. It takes careful, malevolent planning. Here at Media Central, we work tirelessly on the convoluted plans that make sure you get your hearty left-wing bias in the morning. It's because the American people deserve a conspiracy with some depth. You can't insult them with this "we know who's buying the off-brand toilet paper" crap.\nI'm going to start you out fresh. I'll provide all the secret information you should have compiled for me by now, and you can start putting it to some good corrupt use. \nI shop at ridiculous hours of the night. I quit getting Beringer White Zinfandel when you raised the price from $3.99 to $5.99. I almost always buy exactly one zucchini and one summer squash and put them in the same produce bag. I purchased Glad's new Press 'n Seal for my entire Christmas list. My favorite generic sodas are Citrus Drop and Dr. Fresh. When you're not looking, my boyfriend steals a handful of Sour Patch Kids from your candy bin. I am an extremely adept U-Scan operator, you never have to help me. I buy whole pineapples if, and only if, they are under $3. When you pipe Talking Heads in on the Muzak, I fa-fa-fa along. I got a new bank account, so now I use checks.\n Now, by the end of this year I expect you to have an elaborate database registering this kind of detailed profile information for all of your faithful shoppers. If you're on track, you'll have sold the information to telemarketers by early this fall. Don't waste people's time with a half-witted scheme. This is America. We know better.