Biker flick between moped and Ducati

Torque is a tough movie to review. By calling it a movie I'm already giving this rubbish too much credit. Though, it's certainly entertaining rubbish.\nAs directed by Joseph Kahn, who cut his teeth lensing videos for acts as diverse as U2 and Eminem, Torque plays out as an hour and a half exercise in MTV-style quick cutting and crass commercialism. Product placement has never been this blatant -- biker chicks fight before Mountain Dew and Pepsi banners and every character drinks beer, that is, so long as it's Budweiser. \nThis isn't a narrative so much as it's a series of elaborate action sequences (the coolest of which places two bikers atop, inside and in front of a moving passenger train) strung together through incoherence. Again, this isn't an entirely bad thing. Stripped of any and all pretension, the cast and crew of Torque seem to know full well what it is they've gotten themselves into -- a cheesy, tongue-in-cheek throwback to the biker movies of the '60s and '70s spruced up with modern bells and whistles. Story and characterization are nil, but the bikes are bitchin' and the babes bodacious -- that's what truly matters in this serio-cartoony Jerry Bruckheimer Jr. fantasyland.\nWhat plot there is focuses upon Cary Ford (Martin Henderson of The Ring), who's suffering through two allegations seen in almost any low-rent action flick -- "you stole my drugs" and the more widely used, "you killed my brother/sister/mother/father/do-g/whatever" bent, which actually predates the dinosaurs. Anyway, he's just returned to Southern California from Thailand, where he sought refuge after accidentally coming into possession of some crystal meth belonging to mullet-headed biker/"Hee Haw" reject, Henry (Matt Schulze, who previously starred in The Fast and the Furious, of which this a blatant rip-off).\nHe's returned for his girl, Shane (the cute but all together too prissy for her role, Monet Mazur), his ragtag biker buddies (Jay Hernandez and Will Yun Lee) and to set things straight. But this is all thrown out of whack once he's framed for the murder of Junior (Onyx frontman Fredro Starr), younger brother of Trey (Ice Cube, scowling like you've never seen him scowl before -- he even mutters the eternal phrase, "Fuck the police"), a rival gang leader. Also hot on Ford's tail is a precocious FBI agent by the name of McPherson (Adam Scott), who wears Chuck Taylor's and rolls around in a jet black Hummer -- the guy seems more fit to host "TRL" than uphold the law.\nHaving rented a moped this past spring break, I know a thing or two about life on two wheels. Torque is about as far from that reality as can be, but it sure is a fun, albeit stupid, ride.