'Gigli' plagued by bad everything

Do not see "Gigli" under any circumstances. Do not watch any commercials or trailers for "Gigli" either. In fact, don't look at anything involving "Gigli;" even this review, unless, of course, you want to read about the many different ways it sucked.\nThe biggest problem with "Gigli" is that there isn't so much a plot as there is a premise behind it. Ben Affleck plays Larry Gigli, a hit man who is hired to kidnap Brian (Justin Bartha), a mentally challenged man whose brother is a federal prosecutor. Since Louis (Lenny Venito), his boss, does not trust him enough with this task, Ricki (Jennifer Lopez) is brought in. Horribly stilted dialogue ensues as it is discovered that Ricki is a lesbian but Larry has still fallen for her -- *cough* "Chasing Amy" rip-off *cough.* Supposedly, the characters change as they fall for each other and form a bond with Brian.\n"Gigli" is cursed by bad writing. One would think writer/director Martin Brest could do better; the man was nominated for an Oscar ("Scent of a Woman"). Even Affleck, who has a writing Oscar, should have recognized a good script from one in which a woman points at her crotch and says, "It's turkey time ... gobble, gobble," and it's considered romantic or funny. Another mind-boggling element were the characters who had nothing to do with the movie. For example, Christopher Walken plays a detective at the beginning. He comes in, repeats information we already know and leaves. Later, an ex-lover of Ricki's stalks her and then tries to kill herself, but there's no real point to it all.\nMany people would have the foresight to see that this movie was destined to fail from the beginning. Yet, Affleck and Lopez did not. They're not bad actors, but they give horrible performances here. Gigli has a half-Brooklyn/half-Boston accent despite being raised in California. And it's hard to believe the two are in a relationship in real life, because there is little chemistry between them. They unconvincingly banter back and forth, uttering phrases like "Dyke-a-saurus Rex" and "In this relationship, I'm the bull and you're the cow." Al Pacino and Bartha were the only exceptions to this rule of thumb bad acting. \nHopefully, next time J-Lo and Bennifer can churn out a decent movie under the direction of Kevin Smith (i.e. "Jersey Girl"), instead of this steaming pile of "Gigli"