Hello mother, hello father ...

There's nothing quite like going home for the holidays.\nEspecially when it's not your home. In fact, it's your girlfriend's home. In Chicago, a city where hiring hitmen to "deal" with boyfriends can't be that hard to arrange. For four days, and this will be the first time you've met her parents. "Hi! My name's Joe. I have kissed your daughter. Can I crash here a few days?"\nOh yeah, and it's the Fourth of July, so there is sure to be explosives lying around.\nWhen we arrive at her parents' house, her dad, mom and sister are there to greet us. \nPositive: None of them are holding weapons.\nNegative: Three against one.\nLuckily, they turned out to be friendly. I shook her dad's hand. I shook her mom's hand. I shook her sister's hand. I even shook Fortune the dog's hand. Hand shaking was to become a recurring theme that weekend.\nWe went to her aunt's house on the Fourth and I met her family. ALL of her mom's side of the family. I don't believe I've ever shook so many hands in my life. Now I know what foreign dignitaries must go through.\n"Uncle Mark, I'd like you to meet Joe. He's the prime minister of Uzbekistan."\nThe most important hand I shook, though, was her grandma's. I had to make a good impression with her, because everyone knows the most feared member of any family is the grandmother. They might look meek and innocent and loving on the outside, but mess with one of their grandchildren and they suddenly become a raging ball of claws and false teeth. It's the grandma who will sneak into your room and cut you in the middle of the night if she doesn't approve of you for her granddaughter. The dad might threaten it, but nana will carry through.\nHer dad actually never once threatened me. That is, unless you know "Dadspeak." If you do, you'll understand there's no such thing as an innocent conversation with a father. When he asked me if I wanted coffee one morning, I knew good and well what he was really saying was, "I own power tools, and there's an electrical outlet near the fold-out couch you're sleeping on."\nHer dad is also a lawyer. On my behalf, I'd like to say I've never made a lawyer joke in my life. Well, except for the one about the rabbi, the priest and the lawyer who all got really drunk and blew up a statue of Ronald McDonald. It's not very funny, though.\nYou have to be careful the first time you meet the parents. You want to make a good impression, but you also want to be yourself, but you also want to slurp the milk out of your cereal bowl and unfortunately, these three things are just not always compatible with each other. \nWhat makes a child happy makes their parents happy, and if you happen to be part of that equation, the parents have little choice but to embrace that part.\nYet, in the back of your mind, you're always wondering if they're discussing, behind your back, whether to disown their daughter for having such obviously horrible taste in guys. So, the only thing you can do is slurp your cereal milk and wish upon a Lucky Charm for the best.\nSomeone at General Mills must have been listening because her family was absolutely lovely and treated me wonderfully. Now if I could just figure out where the deer's head in my travel bag came from.\nMaybe it was grandma.