Do I need help?

As primarily a music critic for Weekend, I have come to realize that listening to more and more music tests your convictions and the certainty of your beliefs. My most memorable trip to the dark side was that Trapt record that polluted my Eustachian tubes, and now I cannot even give it away. Literally. Nobody wants it.\nFurthermore, I think I left that Har Mar Superstar record by the side of the road. I just abandoned it. It was my only choice.\nWhen you listen to enough music, you learn that there are more questions in this world than answers. Can you help me?\nAfter seeing Amy Rigby at Vertigo last Friday, what's the difference between her and Liz Phair?\nIsn't Phair's song "Little Digger" something Rigby would write?\nBesides Tom Morello, what's the difference between Audiovent and Audioslave?\nBesides brass, what's the difference between the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band and the Dirty Dozen Brass Band?\nWho makes the less likely candidate for touring small clubs -- Justin Timberlake or Hanson?\nWhat's with all the diva glorification?\nWhat can we do to get Steve Albini to produce the next Metallica record?\nWhy are people slow to give Hall and Oates the credit they deserve?\nWhy doesn't somebody get to Aretha Franklin and tell her that her weight is getting dangerous?\nWhy are rock en espanol albums more socially challenging and more fun?\nWhy does Union Board always book concerts that are more oriented to female fans?\nNow that he has released Trouble No More, will John Mellencamp finally stop thinking that 51-year-old men should be dominating the pop chart?\nWhy is there a huge controversy over why the Ian Astbury-fronted Doors call themselves The Doors but no controversy over why Lynyrd Skynyrd still calls itself Lynyrd Skynyrd with the annoying Johnny VanZant making a fool of himself up there?\nIf Ted Nugent managed to offend nobody on a particular day, would he cease to exist? ("I insult, therefore I am.")\nWhat ever happened to the pickets at Tommy Mottola's door for being "racist" and "devilish," to quote Michael Jackson?\nShouldn't Papa Roach cover "Papa Was a Rollin' Stone?"\nWhose responsibility is it to tell punk bands covering songs that aren't the slightest bit punk that it isn't funny anymore? (That means you, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes.)\nWhy are Ashanti and Beyonce very famous while Res and Joi are considered fringe artists?\nAt what point during his show next Thursday at Bluebird will Conor Oberst and his massive ego pull the plug on the Bright Eyes show?\nWhat's the difference between Ryan Adams and Bryan Adams again?\nWill Cheap Trick's release of yet another bad studio album finally keep people from announcing Cheap Trick's back and better than ever when they really aren't?\nAt the time of Armageddon, will Green Day's "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" be played to remind us how crappy the end will be?\nWhy don't prominent artists release an album a year like everybody worth a damn did in the '70s? Isn't the best way to promote Weezer, for example, to continue to release records annually?\nWhy won't Jack White confirm that he's dating Renee Zellweger, or does she hang around Detroit for fun anyway?\nWhat's the over/under on the number of times Britney Spears hits her head on the recording studio mike?\nWhat does "De-Loused in the Comatorium" mean, and did George W. Bush ever say something like that?\nWould a country music fan be beaten over the head with a fiddle if that person said he or she voted Democrat?\nWould a fan of modern country music know who it was if Conway Twitty's corpse dropped through their barnyard roof?\nIf Zwan were a baseball player for the Reds, wouldn't it be called Ken Griffey, Jr.?\nDoes D'Angelo make love to his own records?\nIs Northern State the answer to the why-are-there-no-good-white-female-rappers question?\nIsn't putting guest rappers on the new Luther Vandross record the silliest attempt ever to gain street cred?\nHow do you prove in court that a Creed performance is substandard?\nWill hardcore ever get more than a cult following?\nWill emo ever get more than a cult following?\nAm I the only one who can tell the difference between Jawbox and Jawbreaker?\nWill new jack swing ever make a comeback?\nWhy do one-hit wonders tend to be more white rock bands than African-American acts?\nDo you have a strange feeling that Ozzy will outlive us all?