Crystal balls have seams

Last year around this time, among my Major League Baseball predictions was one saying that the Anaheim Angels would finish in last place in the American League and another saying that Florida Marlins pitcher Brad Penny, who finished with a 4.66 earned-run average, would be a surprise National League Cy Young candidate.\nNobody would be so stupid as try to make baseball predictions again. Anyway here are my predictions for the 2003 season. Teams are listed in predicted order of finish.\nNL East: Philadelphia Phillies, Atlanta Braves, New York Mets, Florida Marlins, Montreal Expos\nAfter stealing pitcher Kevin Millwood in an offseason trade and acquiring free agent Jim Thome, the Phillies -- yes, the Phillies -- should win it. The Braves should still be good enough to take the wildcard. The Mets will be better because they can't possibly be worse. The Marlins will lead the majors in stolen bases and thereby prove that both they and the stolen base are overrated. Expos superstar outfielder Vladimir Guerrero will finish the season with another team and away from this sorry bunch.\nNL Central: St. Louis Cardinals, Cincinnati Reds, Houston Astros, Chicago Cubs, Pittsburgh Pirates, Milwaukee Brewers\nKnown for their penchant with older pitchers, Cardinals manager Tony La Russa and pitching coach Dave Duncan will coax Warren Spahn, 81, out of retirement in order to repeat as division champs. The Reds have a shot as long as no one steals Ken Griffey Jr.'s pacifier. Moving Craig Biggio from second base to center field will be the Astros' downfall. Cubs manager Dusty Baker has no idea how Cubs fans blame everything on the manager, but he'll find out soon enough. Forced to forfeit a game after manager Lloyd McClendon hides the bases in the dugout after arguing with an umpire, Pirates General Manager David Littlefield will tell the fans he did them a favor. An ugly rumor is going around saying that the Brewers plan on fielding a squad.\nNL West: San Francisco Giants, Arizona Diamondbacks, Los Angeles Dodgers, Colorado Rockies, San Diego Padres\nBarry Bonds proved last year that he is a great team player too. The Diamondbacks have Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling but not much in the rotation otherwise. The Dodgers will play similarly to the way they have for several years now: good, but not good enough. I have Rockies center fielder Preston Wilson and shortstop Jose Hernandez striking out 348 times between them, their bat-waving providing a natural air conditioning. When left fielder Phil Nevin went down with a season-ending shoulder injury in spring training, the Padres' hopes ended early.\nAL East: New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, Baltimore Orioles, Tampa Bay Devil Rays\nThis division has had the same finishing order five straight years. This year will make it six. The Yankees are the Yankees. The Red Sox will make the playoffs with Manny Ramirez winning the Most Valuable Player award. If I could have the future of any young player in baseball, it might just be Blue Jays slugger Josh Phelps. The Orioles went 4-32 over their last 36 games last season; they should be only a little better. Manager Lou Piniella must have really wanted to return to his Tampa-area home if he was willing to take the Devil Rays job.\nAL Central: Minnesota Twins, Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Detroit Tigers, Kansas City Royals\nThe Twins will be even better with potential stars Michael Cuddyer and Bobby Kielty getting more playing time. The White Sox will finish second, which given the quality of the other three teams in the division will be borderline humiliating. The Indians may be ready to get good again in 2004. Now that broadcaster Ernie Harwell has retired, it's hard to even pretend the Tigers are interesting. The Royals have laughable starting pitching.\nAL West: Oakland Athletics, Anaheim Angels, Seattle Mariners, Texas Rangers\nA's General Manager Billy Beane will realize his outfield is his team's only weakness and make a trade in midseason to make the difference. The famed Rally Monkey will say through his agent the Angels wouldn't win without him and demand his contract be renegotiated or he'll throw his poop at the Jumbotron camera. The Mariners didn't acquire enough new talent to make a difference. Rangers manager Buck Showalter is one of baseball's best, but he's a miracle if he can make hay with that pitching staff.\nPlayoffs: In the National League, the Giants will do exactly what they did in last year's playoffs: beat the Braves and Cardinals for the pennant. In the American League, the wildcard Red Sox will knock out the A's and then the Twins in the American League Championship Series. The Red Sox will then beat the Giants for their first world championship in 85 years.\nI told you these predictions were stupid.