Oh TV, that's all I need

If you were asked who the biggest influence on your life has been, who would you say? Your parents? Teachers? Best friends? Your pimp? Well, even though those are all lovely answers, I'm afraid they're incorrect. For the vast majority of us, the most significant authority in our lives is television. Maybe the IU Bookstore should pass out free TV Guides when we purchase those bargain-priced textbooks (this of course, would have to replace the planner that informs us it's time to purchase Grandma an IU Wrestling sweatshirt every single week). \nTV has manipulated our use of language. Can any of us get through a 24-hour period without making a "Seinfeld" reference? I'm convinced that if we were only permitted to speak using lines from "Seinfeld," we could still be a fully functional society. For example, I'll bet your relationship just hasn't been the same since you noticed your girlfriend has "man hands." \nTake a peek into fraternity houses on Sundays and you'll witness us guys glued to a pathetic Bengals-Lions match up, insisting it has major draft implications, all the while tossing around possible solutions to the age-old question: "How can a pledge go to the bathroom for me?" (I came dangerously close to cracking this once, but some significant ethical issues arose). Then we switch the dial over to ESPN's SportsCenter to ensure every detail of the contest is overanalyzed (right down to which players had the most marijuana in their systems at game time).\nAnd ladies, you're not guilt-free either. Don't you stare at your TV all day, refusing to blink until Oprah hands you instructions? It's sad, I know.\nOn Sunday nights, when our parents think we're engaging in a frantic last minute study session for the upcoming week of classes, we slide our brass knuckles on and succumb to "The Sopranos." As the opening credits roll with "Woke Up This Morning," we find ourselves fantasizing about Tony walking in on Carmela and Furio, and the bloodbath that would ensue (I'm getting goose-bumps). \nTV has suppressed our productivity.\nTelevision even dresses us in the morning. If there were no E! TV, I probably wouldn't be sitting here in this comfortable J.Lo outfit with the word "Juicy" stamped across my ass (That very thought terrifies me).\nAnd if it wasn't for Emeril Lagasse and the Food Network I'd be closing in on my fourth year of eating Pillsbury cookie dough for three meals a day.\nJust look at MTV and its impact on America's youth. It's our greatest source for information on what to wear, how to talk, what to buy and how to act. It tells us what to listen to ("TRL"), what to do when we have too much money ("Cribs"), why we shouldn't use drugs (Ozzy Osbourne), and that something actually gets ridden more than that polar bear statue outside of the Monroe County Public Library ("Real World's" Trishelle). Some people even contend that "Jackass" has the power to convince individuals to light themselves on fire (which is what I did when I found out Arsenio Hall was hosting again). \nTelevision is the force behind our actions and shouldn't be taken lightly. Who we are can be exemplified by the shows we watch and the loyalty we devote to this catalyst. So if there's any aspect of our personalities we desire to alter, we should switch our TV viewing patterns. \nSome of you may be appalled by these allegations (much like I was sickened when I discovered Heidi secretly had a boyfriend on "Joe Millionaire"). I would stay and further strengthen my argument but I must go now and find out if a Navy Seal can run through an obstacle course quicker than a chimpanzee.