Chariots of Fire

As I return to my books and late night study sessions, I am given to fits of anxiety. I can't sleep. Terror has struck America once again. This time, it has originated on the domestic front.\nSomeone is burning all of my SUVs.\nWith not even a full week of the new year underway, a fire raged through a Pittsburgh car dealership, destroying 4 vehicles, damaging others, and resulting in a total loss of almost $90,000.\nThe culprits? A communiqué released by the Environmental Liberation Front (E.L.F.) states that their group was responsible for the "attack." The manifesto led officials to believe the fire was motivated by the E.L.F.'s disdain for America's "throwaway conveniences…and it's unfathomable hoards of financial wealth."\nIt was an attack against the corporate consumer machine. Damn the man!\nBut in my brief moment of cavalier liberalism, I found that the E.L.F. had unwittingly attacked the wrong enemy. I asked myself, "Was corporate America truly to blame? Or is this trend of soccer moms commanding four-wheel-drive-military-grade-diesel-fueled-12-miles-per-gallon-pimp-mobiles brought upon us by some other source?"\nThe E.L.F. had it all wrong. It wasn't "the man" they were after. Rather, they needed to seek "The Terminator."\nArnold Schwarzenegger himself, along with his multitude of other celebrity pals who have been shilling SUV power mobiles to suburban wannabes, are the true source of America's obsession with unnecessarily large transportation.\nWho ever wanted to buy a Hummer? Were they cool in the Gulf War? Not exactly. That is, they weren't cool until Mr. Kindergarten Cop became the first man to step inside the new line of commercial Hummers in 1992. We don't want to be like Schwarzkopf, but Schwarzenegger -- that's a different story.\nSince then, the slippery wheel turned, and we are witnessing not only the new line of upper middle class market directed Hummer H2's -- which I regret lack all underwater maneuvering capabilities -- but Escalades, Expeditions and every vehicle the companies out there can manage to put on the market.\nDoes it bother anyone that one of the largest of these vehicles is called the Chevy SUBURBAN?\n"Honey, good thing we have this 6,000 pound monster truck, capable of towing 10,500 pounds of extra weight. Otherwise that pile of K-Mart carts would never have been able to become a parking space."\nBut hey, we can't blame the companies. They are doing their jobs, and the cars are selling. \nWhy? Because we all want to be like Pink, Puffy and Justin Timberlake who flaunt their customized Escalades on "MTV Cribs," or UPN's "Livin' Large," or whichever knock-off of "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" is floating around on cable TV.\nEven Cadillac general manager Mark LaNeve seems mystified by how his company's SUV, the Escalade, is selling. In a statement published by U.S. News and World Report magazine he said, "The Escalade has been an unbelievable story for us. It's pulling up the division from an image market." \nThe way I interpret what Mark was saying is this: "I can't believe you suckers are buying this land-whale just because Russell Crowe stepped out of one at the Academy Awards! I mean, isn't gas expensive enough?!"\nSo E.L.F., don't bother torching the merchandise. We'll just order more. If you really want to effect change, use your time and efforts to convince Winona Ryder to drive around in a Ford Fiesta. Just tell her that she can write it off as community service.