September...what the hell happened?

Last month was without a doubt the worst for filmmaking in the entirety of the medium. Viewers with already questionable tastes were made dumber by the likes of Swimfan, Shi..., uh, I mean City By the Sea, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, The Banger Sisters, Sweet Home Alabama and The Tuxedo.\nSure, I only saw one of the aforementioned bunch, and probably the worst at that, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever. The only ballistics needed for this cinematic excrement is to count the shotgun blast-sized plot holes dispersed throughout.\nBut c'mon folks, give me a break: as Waterworld, the first in a series of many Kevin Costner mishaps, exemplified, filmmakers should stray from water. The makers of Swimfan and City by the Sea should have known better than to produce these waterlogged thrillers, or someone, I don't care who -- should've thrown them a life preserver. \nChick flicks also reigned supreme, or didn't, in September. If I want to see a movie having the slightest thing to do with early '70s-era rock groupies, I'll re-watch Cameron Crowe's stellar Almost Famous. I don't need to see Goldie Hawn shake her wrinkly, old breasts around in The Banger Sisters.\nAnd what's the deal with Sweet Home Alabama? Sure, Reese Witherspoon is cute, but I don't need to see some recycled piece of romantic comedy crap for $7. If I want to watch some estrogen-filled sap fest, I'll watch "Providence" with my mom (no, not really) or begrudgingly stomach it for free at home with a pretty girl on my arm, watching Lifetime while drinking a beer.\nAs far as The Tuxedo goes … it draws the question, "Jackie Chan, what happened to you?" Where's the badass of Drunken Master 2 or the comedic presence of Shanghai Noon and Rush Hour 2? I'll tell you where...he's taking second billing to Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts (not an entirely bad thing, but I'd still prefer to see the Chan-man's chopsocky pyrotechnics any day) and a bunch of hokey special effects.\nDepressingly, art films didn't fare much better (unless of course you caught Y Tu Mamá También at a Ryder screening; that movie's boss). Just look at Fat Girl, a French film in which a plump adolescent girl is raped moments after her horny sister is needlessly decapitated with an axe. I don't know about the rest of you, but I could do without seeing a fat girl, or a skinny girl for that matter, raped. And September's indie flicks that truly looked like they were worth seeing (i.e. The Catcher in the Rye-esque Igby Goes Down, the highly-touted German psychological thriller Das Experiment and anime maestro Hayao Miyazaki's Spirited Away) won't come out here until October or November, if at all.\nIt's a sad state of affairs when the high point of my filmgoing month is a Tom Green movie (Stealing Harvard). Even August's disgustingly mass-produced piece of junk, XXX, gave me some sort of fulfillment. At least it got the gears in my demented little brain churning with far-flung thoughts of stealing the highly controversial vote-mobile (the sexy, red Corvette sitting in Dunn Meadow, for those of you living in a cave) à la Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) in the introductory moments of XXX. Whereas Xander had Tony Hawk (in a lame cameo) as a partner in crime, I'd be saddled with two of my buddies, one wearing a beer hat replete with drinking straws and the other wearing an "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt. All the while I'd be doing donuts around Frisbee-tossing hippies, yelling "Welcome to the Alec Zone" and re-enacting my favorite "Grand Theft Auto 3" moments. And I'd be doing it in a manner far more conducive to Tyler Durden than Xander Cage, but then again, we're just talking daydreams here, folks. I'm not built for prison … my skin's too soft.\nLuckily, things look to be getting better. Red Dragon opened last week, and the rest of the month is panning out to be pretty sweet. Friday alone will see the debut of Roger Avary's (Tarantino's Pulp Fiction co-author) much-buzzed-about The Rules of Attraction, the Luc Besson-penned actioneer The Transporter and the J.V. mafia flick Knockaround Guys (yes, even though it stars Diesel, it looks cool).\nLater on in the month, filmgoers will be treated to the likes of Guy Ritchie's Swept Away (despite the negative buzz and the fact that Madonna's in it, I'll still see it -- Ritchie's that good); Michael Moore's (the left-wing genius behind Roger and Me and TV Nation) Bowling for Columbine; Paul Thomas Anderson's eagerly-awaited Punch-Drunk Love; Paul Schrader's Bob Crane (Hogan's Heroes) biopic, Auto Focus; Formula 51 (Samuel L. Jackson in a kilt … I'm there!); and Jackass: The Movie (nothing says fine cinema like a guy stapling his genitals to his leg).\nAgain, cinema saves the day and saves me from a short life in the clink. Just do us all a favor, Hollywood: put Goldie Hawn back in the wax museum where you found her, keep horny teenagers out of the pool and don't make me suffer through any more Midol-induced filmmaking.