Don't try this in Memorial Stadium

Iowa is 6-1, losing only to Iowa State. IU is 3-3. The Hoosiers this season have been outscored by 25 points in the first quarter, while Iowa outscores its opponents by 81 more points in the first quarter.\nThere are a few circumstances that would be nice when IU takes on the Hawkeyes this Saturday:\n• That Iowa doesn't score 81 points in the first minute of the game. \n• That the Hoosier offense has 405 yards again...in the first half. \n• That the IU students would realize they go to a Big Ten school, and actually show up for the game. There's a student section, a free tailgate and plenty of good seating to go around. Plus, it's Homecoming. If you don't show up for the Homecoming game of your own school, transfer. Now. We don't want you here. \nBut there are also some things that we don't want to happen. So take a trip around the stadium with me, while we examine what needs to be exempt from Saturday's showdown.\nTHINGS WE DON'T WANT TO SEE HAPPENING AT THE STADIUM:\n• IU coach Gerry DiNardo reading "Football for Dummies." And looking confused.\n• The cheerleading squad, giggling like school girls every time the announcer says "tight end."\n• Wide receivers Glenn Johnson and Courtney Roby both wearing signs that read, "Randy Moss is my hero."\n• Myles Brand sticking his face in every ESPN-Plus camera, all the while advocating the necessity for less attention to college sports and its personalities.\n• The assistant coaches playing Pictionary with the drawing board on the field.\n• Taking a cue from Terrell Owens, the Hoosiers start signing everything in sight then throwing it into the crowd. Helmets, cleats, benches, kicker Bryan Robertson. The mascot would definitely get tossed into section three, but in case you didn't know, we still don't have one. \n• The Hoosiers, wanting to be as beloved as the Chicago Bears are at this school, provide the halftime entertainment show by doing the "Super Bowl Shuffle." And singing it a capella.\n• The band, still bitter about having to wear those silly hats, go wild and crazy by playing Footloose repeatedly.\n• Any of the male cheerleaders wanting to see what it would be like to cheer with his eyes closed. With his partner twisting in mid-air.\n• A first-time football spectator covering the field with quarters after hearing the IU coaches screaming, "Get the quarterback," because she (or he!) wanted them to stop yelling about a measly 25 cents.\n• Pete Rose, deciding that his luck might be better with football, exchanging stuffed white envelopes with the Hoosier managers.\n• The IU athletics director wearing a suit to the football games. It's your day off, and why did you change the colors if you weren't going to wear them?\n• Quarterback Gibran Hamdan, deciding to throw off the Hawkeyes a bit, starts throwing the football like a frisbee, and not understanding why he's 0-for-49, with 33 interceptions.\n• The timekeeper be a former Michigan State graduate, especially if IU is up late in the fourth quarter, and Iowa is going for it. \n• The punter and kicker (recovered from his trip into the crowd) chaining themselves to a goal post in protest, because they still don't think Adam Sandler's song about the "Lonesome Kicker" was very funny.\n• Pee-wee league players, there to play on the field at halftime, get recruited to play because IU's depth chart is so thin. Next on the list, the Red Steppers. Hey, they could kick!\n• The athletic department giving the parking lot attendants the 40,000 left over tickets, and telling them to walk in and out of the stadium so it could be considered a sellout.\n• The Hoosiers complaining about grass stains on their nice white uniforms. Right after crying about the helmets messing up their hair.\n• Iowa not showing up, because the Hoosiers are ready to prove last week was not a fluke. One ranked team down, next please.