Get on the 5 year plan

Attention students of IU: Savor every last moment of college life. The real world is looming. If you think MTV's interpretation of the real world is what's awaiting you after school, you have another thing coming sister (Nobody sleeps with as many men as Cara from the Chicago episodes in the actual real world). Your happiness will be a distant memory when that diploma is placed in your hands. \nDon't believe me? Okay, take a journey with me into the lives of two people: Wally the worker, a 24-year-old college graduate working in Chicago, and Suzy the student, a 21-year-old senior at IU. Let's take a peek at what each person is doing at various times throughout a typical Friday: \n6:15 a.m. -- Wally wakes up from his alarm and proceeds to curse repeatedly. \nSuzy awakes momentarily, dislodges a breadstick and an empty can of Natural Light from behind her neck, and then rolls over back to sleep. \n7:10 a.m. -- Wally stands in a crowded elevated train on his way to work. He is sandwiched between two heavy-set men; the man behind him seems to be rubbing up against Wally's backside on purpose. Tears begin mixing with the sweat dripping down from Wally's face. \nSuzy clutches her pillow in the midst of a dream involving George Clooney and the cast of "The Golden Girls." (Side note: Didn't he make an appearance on that show once? Wait, how would I know that? I don't watch Lifetime. Oh geez.)\n10:33 a.m. -- Wally sits in his cubicle staring at a spreadsheet. He wishes something would come and destroy him so he could be rescued from his excruciating existence. \nSuzy spoons Captain Crunch into her mouth as she watches her third episode of Sportscenter. \n12:00 p.m. -- Wally eases out of his chair and then sprints for the elevator. Within minutes he experiences his only joy of the day, a spicy chicken combo at Wendy's. \nSuzy lies out in the sun and sips a strawberry daiquiri. Suzy does not have class on Fridays. \n1:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. -- Wally opens e-mails that may or may not be appropriate for viewing while in the workplace; he looks over his shoulders in eight second intervals. \nSuzy splits her time between watching television and dancing in front of the mirror. \n6:00 p.m. -- Now home, Wally stares inside his barren refrigerator. \nSuzy passes out from her afternoon cocktails.\n10:25 p.m. -- Despite overwhelming exhaustion from a week of sleep deprivation, Wally forces himself to go out. He meets up with a few friends at Leg Room on Division Street. He walks in with his hands in his pockets and his head down. \nSuzy and her friends play "flippy cup." The conclusion of each game is followed by a series of hooting and hollering. \n11:58 p.m. -- Wally walks up to the bar and orders a round of drinks for his five friends. The bartender says, "That'll be 50 dollars." (Side note: Are you kidding me? Do you know how long it takes me to make 50 dollars? The people of Chicago need to go on strike.) \nSuzy pays two dollars for a beverage at Kilroy's.\n1:48 a.m. (Saturday) -- Wally invites a woman he'd been talking to for much of the night, back to his apartment. The woman inquires about how much Wally makes. \nSuzy is introduced to Tom by a mutual friend.\n1:51 a.m. -- Wally gets into a cab by himself. \nTom asks Suzy if she would like to go home with him. Suzy replies, "Sure."\nAs you can see, a terrible fate awaits us after college. So I implore you, bask, baby bask.