Which is the 'real' Olympics?

Two different Winter Olympics will begin Friday. One is the "real" Olympics. \nThe other is the Olympics that NBC will be presenting. The differences are noticeable.\nThe real Olympics will contain sports such as cross-country skiing, biathlon and ski jumping. NBC's Olympics will contain figure skating, figure skating and more figure skating.\nThe real Olympics will have fans braving the elements, watching the events live as they happen. NBC's Olympics will feature Bob Costas wearing a suit worth more than the gross national product of Liechtenstein and sitting in a studio that looks like a chalet with a fire roaring in the fireplace. Lord knows NBC needs to make it look like Bob has to put on snowshoes once he steps outside before taking his cab back to the Four Seasons.\nThe real Olympics might feature somebody like Ross Rebagliati, the Canadian snowboarder whose giant slalom gold medal in the 1998 Olympics was stripped after he tested positive for marijuana. \nThe real Olympics will feature the glory of unfettered competition and the decency of athletes giving their all in order to achieve their lifelong dream. NBC's Olympics will feature Jim Gray asking each medal-winning athlete whether the rumor that he heard about their drug use from the Azerbaijani delegation -- or, if you prefer, unnamed sources -- is true about five seconds after the event's completion.\nThe real Olympics will feature a melting pot of the world's population and a great sense of understanding and mutual respect for all countries competing. NBC's Olympics will shove an in-your-face sense of patriotism down our throats as part of some "Tribute to America."\nThe real Olympics will feature honest reflection over the Sept. 11 tragedies. NBC's Olympics will trivialize the Sept. 11 tragedies by airing an "Up Close and Personal" segment where some speed skater will talk about how he or she derives inspiration from the death of their fifth cousin, twice removed because NBC feels that you won't watch unless you receive healthy doses of sap and melodrama.\nThe real Olympics will feature Stephan Eberharter of Austria, who is favored to become the first skier to win both the downhill and Super G in the same Olympics, flying down a mountain knowing that the slightest misstep could cost him anything from a few tenths of a second to his good health. NBC's Olympics will feature Hannah Storm, who will make lots of mistakes and suffer no consequences.\nThe real Olympics will feature events happening live right in front of your face. NBC's Olympics will feature tape-delayed coverage of everything. (Note: This is not an Australia thing. Kerry Strug's vault in the 1996 Summer Games held in the faraway time zone of Atlanta was shown on tape delay, and NBC never bothered to mention it when they showed it.)\nThe real Olympics will feature figure skating fans wondering, "What would Brian Boitano do?" NBC's Olympics will feature figure skating fans wondering, "When will Scott Hamilton shut the hell up?"\nThe real Olympics will charge $885 per ticket -- yes, that's face value -- for the Opening Ceremonies. NBC's Olympics will feature Katie Couric commenting on the Opening Ceremonies. Arguments will erupt as to which is the bigger pain.\nThe real Olympics will fortunately not feature a biathlon team from Afghanistan. NBC's Olympics will unfortunately feature Pat O'Brien, who seems to be an inept squirrel brain whose only skill will be butt-kissing Michelle Kwan.\nThe real Olympics will often feature victorious athletes shedding tears on the medal stand as the culmination of a lifetime of dedication and hard work. NBC's Olympics will feature the brought-out-of-retirement Jim McKay, who is such a lugubrious ham that he will shed a tear if the Zamboni missed a spot.\nThe real Olympics will end with International Olympic Committee President Dr. Jacques Rogge calling these Olympics the greatest Olympics ever barring any catastrophes. NBC's Olympics will end with us wondering what we all missed.