'Bush': Dubya never looked so bad

April 3, I hugged Matt Roush, head TV critic at TV Guide. When I buried my face into his flesh, I had a conversion not seen since Paul was struck by lightning on the road to Damascus. I was reborn!\nI now realize ripping terrible TV shows to shreds isn't just my job, it's my calling, my raison d'être, my destiny!\nTherefore, I watched Matt Stone and Trey Parker's new series, "That's my Bush" (9:30 p.m. Wednesday, Comedy Central), a supposedly satirical sitcom about the first family.\nThis is the first show I have reviewed that I couldn't finish. And I sat through all of "Jailbait" last year! I drafted my friend to sit through "Bush" with me, and exactly 20 minutes into it, we both ran away from the TV, screaming like banshees being attacked by King Kong.\nI nearly gouged my eyes out like Oedipus just so I'd never have to view this vile, fetid, putrid, miserable piece of crap again. \n"Bush" fails as both a satire and a sitcom as my good friend -- and fanatically loyal fan -- Roush would say. It has no overt political message like "South Park" did back in the day, and its jokes are about as funny as getting your penis stuck in your zipper.\nThere are four types of jokes on the show: The ones that make you want to vomit, the ones that weren't funny enough to make it on "South Park," the ones that make you cringe and the jokes that are lifted from other sitcoms.\nFirst type of joke: In the show's pilot, Bush has to meet with the head of the anti-abortion movement, who happens to be a 30-year-old, partially aborted fetus whose eyes are sealed shut because they've never fully developed.\nParker and Stone were not trying to insert some political message by being disgusting, like one woman whom I nicknamed "Obnoxious Homicidal Maniac," who came into the copy center where I worked late at night and asked to make color copies of abortions in the third trimester.\nThey were just being shocking for the sake of being shocking, as my soulmate and long-lost brother Roush would say.\nOn a side note, I have to add that it's hypocritical for me to criticize Parker and Stone for being shocking without providing the old insight from "South Park."\n"Bush" also disappoints with its so-called lewd jokes, the second type of joke. For example, in one scene, G.W. tells his wife, "I feel like such a pussy."\nTo which she replies, "That's my Bush."\nHa friggin' ha.\nThirdly, there are the jokes designed to kick you out of complacency, but they end up just making you say, "Ouch."\nIn one scene, George tells the White House maid to do the laundry, and she responds, "I've got to do what your father did, separate the whites from the coloreds."\nThat might sound funny to you, but you have to realize that the majority of the jokes on the show are just plain bad references to other shows. In one scene, Bush says "Diff'rent Strokes"-style, "What are you talking about, Larry."\nAnd in a wholly crappy tribute to "The Honeymooners," Bush opens the show by telling his wife, "One of these days, Laura, I'm gonna punch you in the face."\nI just realized that sounds funny when I write it down. But when you hear it, any impulse to laugh is suffocated by the laugh track, which Parker and Stone stole from "Married With Children." The audiences hoots, howls and guffaws during jokes that numbed my friend and me into silence.\nFor example, the "audience" gives Kelly Bundy hoots and hollers when Bush's dumb-blonde assistant walks in. Then they roar with laughter when she can't tell a video game from a cheeseburger, and they give catcalls and whistles as she shakes her behind as she leaves.\nI realize you might not fully appreciate how crappy this show is because I've focused on the better jokes. But you have to believe me, this ain't "South Park." It isn't funny either. If anyone reads this review and actually sees "That's my Bush," I will quit the IDS within the next three weeks!\nThen maybe I could get a job at TV Guide so I could work for Matt Roush, a man who makes Yoda and Jesus Christ look like Myles Brand.\nPeace out, Matt.