'Andy Dick': It's hard to put into words ...

I now know what it feels like to bomb.\nTwo people told me last Thursday my most recent review was below par, and I agree.\nAll I can do is bow prostrate before IDS Weekend readers and vow to work harder.\nYou'd think this newly found humility would make me more sympathetic to shows that are off the mark, such as the "The Andy Dick Show" (MTV, 10:30 p.m. Tuesday). You'd think I'd respect comedian Andy Dick's efforts, even if his show is a steaming turd.\nBut I gotta be me. So, I proclaim that Andy Dick should be tied to a stake and kneed in the groin by everyone in show business.\n"The Andy Dick Show" is an example of what happens when high production values go horribly, horribly wrong. The show is a schizophrenic collection of shot vignettes that are masterfully shot and edited. In fact, most of the skits are shot cinematically with one camera, sometimes a steadicam, and most of the program is letterboxed. \nBut the sketches themselves are a series of relentlessly unfunny parodies, mostly of MTV movies and TV shows. Written and directed by Dick, they are excruciatingly annoying, such as one sketch in which Dick dressed up in drag and parodied both Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears. \nThey are so bad that I had to call up the IDS editor in chief and ask what words I could use to describe it.\nShe allowed me to write that during the pilot's first skit, Maura Tierney from "ER" and Dick's former co-star on "News Radio" claimed in a mock "E! True Hollywood Story" that Dick had showed her his penis 17 times. This was one of the hilarious jokes that punctuated Dick's self-effacing mockumentary.\nNow normally, I wouldn't feel the need to check with the IDS editor in chief before writing the word "penis," but this sketch used the word "penis" so casually and so tastelessly that I wanted to make sure that I didn't compromise my journalistic integrity by writing about Andy Dick's penis.\nGetting back to the story, I am also allowed to write that during the same skit, Dick smoked a water bong during a parody of an anti-drug public service announcement. But the editor in chief warned, I cannot advocate the use of such objects -- bongs or any other drug paraphernalia.\nBelieve me, there is no way I can advocate using drugs after watching this show. It might be libelous for me to write that I suspect that Dick wrote most of the show's sketches, such as a parody of the "The Tom Green Show," after smoking crack. When Dick impersonated Green in one parody, he simply acted stupid, thrusting his pelvis a lot, throwing groceries on the ground and mock-humping everything in sight.\nI will just say Dick is a better anti-drug spokesman than I could ever be.\nI also have permission to use the terms "salad-tosser" and "prison bitch" in reference to one sketch that parodied MTV's "Scared Straight." After one convict hit Dick with a barrage of foul language, most of which was bleeped out, the unrattled Dick decided to show him how to really intimidate people.\nHe humped one guy's head and unleashed an even bigger barrage of foul language. I know he used the term "prison bitch," and I'm sure he mouthed the term "toss his salad." Now, I can write the term "tossing one's salad" because the editor in chief didn't know what it meant. I told her to ask someone who would know.\nWhen I asked the IDS editor in chief if I could write "ball slapping and ass cracks," a phrase used on the show, she asked me if it was really necessary. "I'm letting you get away with a lot here," she says.\nOnce again; she let freedom of speech prevail.\nSo backtracking, in the parody of Dick's life, he was portrayed sinking into a life of gay porn. But the narrator adds his movies weren't all just "ball slapping and ass cracks."\nNow I realize I haven't told you a lot "about" this show, but as you can see, I had to go to a lot of trouble to tell you these little tidbits of information.\nI also wanted to call up a psychic hotline and ask what the show's chances for getting renewed were, but the IDS wouldn't let me charge a 900 number to its account.\nBut I must close by thanking the IDS for putting up with my antics for the last year. And I can promise my readers who were disappointed with my last column that I will continue to do stupid things for your amusement.