Why I support ELF (and you should too)

I used to think members of the Earth Liberation Front suffered from some mental disorder brought on by eating too much raw celery, but now I think maybe we do need ELF.\nIn September, the World Conservation Union released the 2000 Red List of Threatened Species, the most comprehensive analysis of conservation ever. It found 11,046 plants and animals are at risk of disappearing forever and concluded, if we keep it up, we will lose one in every four mammals and one in every eight birds.\n I am not what you would call a tree-hugger. I like my steak rare because the blood keeps the meat tender. I believe we should allow hunters to cull herds of deer. \nBut I do not want to look my future grandchildren in the eye and tell them my generation killed off 25 percent of all mammals. I would love those trips to the zoo.\nIf the death toll reaches 10 percent, I'll grow my hair long, throw away my shoes, fly to California, climb a sequoia, name it Bertha and throw pine cones at loggers.\nThe second event that sent me on an ELF membership drive was the first presidential debate. George W. Bush said he would open up the Alaskan wildlife refuge to Big Oil. But Al Gore said he wouldn't dare touch such a natural wonder, and I know he would never manipulate the oil supply to pander for support.\nBuilding things in our national parks and wildlife refuges to make life more convenient is a great idea.\nWhy don't we build escalators leading to a shopping mall on the Grand Canyon floor? It will give tourists a place to cool their heels and provide a showcase for that nifty pueblo pottery. We could even hire the local Native Americans and let them perform rain dances in the coin fountain. The kids would love it.\nI want to see Alaska eventually, and I don't want to overhear, "Those grizzly cubs sure look cute playing in that puddle of oil!"\nLet me explain this oil crisis for you. The Middle East has banded together to fix the supply of oil so it doesn't run out anytime soon. They know if they had no oil, we would change their name to Africa.\nIn the United States, we drive these huge hunks of steel called SUVs. They run through gas quicker than our presidential candidates ran through drugs in the '70s.\nNow let's see, we have a fixed supply and a high demand for a given commodity. I wonder what happens to the price?\nIf another old man in a Cadillac Escalade starts ranting about how those Ay-rabs are holding back oil to raise prices, I'm going to don a "Fur is Murder" T-shirt and Richard Nixon mask, sneak into his driveway and throw some Firestones on that baby. \nNow where can I find an ELF membership form?